Gambling Commission to investigate leaving EU, herd immunity and Rwanda plan

The Gambling Commission is to investigate a series of risky punts the Conservative Party has made over the past 14 years.

Top bookie-type who knows all the hand signals, Dai Roller said, 'If you're so stupid as to make a bet you're definitely going to lose, then gambling houses are happy to accept your charitable generosity. Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt wagering the entire UK economy on the election being on the 44th July? Well, he's just a mug who doesn't understand how numbers work, and the industry thanks him for his continued financial support.

'But if you're going to gamble so recklessly with people's lives, the futures of their children, and the welfare of the entire planet, then we've got to look at that sh!t. I mean, no one else is going to, are they?

'F*ck me, though. Do you know how long it's going to take us to investigate all the epic punt fails the Tories made? We've already found 863 examples of utterly imbecilic bets bound to cause widespread death to innocent members of the British public, and we're not even up to the Liz Truss era.'

Image: Pixabay/stux

Man who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp suffering from repetitive strain injury

American singer-songwriter Barry Mann, who is best known for putting the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp, has been hospitalised with repetitive strain injury from the effects of shaking hands with the untold numbers of men who told him it made their baby fall in with love them.

‘It’s been a bit of a nightmare,’ said Mann from his bedside at New York-Presbyterian Hospital in Manhattan. ‘Scarcely a day has gone by since 1958 without some wiseacre coming up and pumping my hand for making his baby fall in love with him.

‘I mean, I grew up in 1950s America too, so I don’t have a particularly high regard for women, but even I didn’t think some dumb lyrics would have this effect on them. Not to mention the few hundred subsequently divorced men who have punched me in the face and told me I’d ruined their lives.'

Mann’s co-writer Gerry Goffin, who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop and the dip in the dip da dip da dip, died in 2014 after suffering twice as much hand shaking from loved-up seniors.

‘I suppose it’s as well I didn’t actually put the ram in the rama lama ding dong too,’ said Mann. ‘Especially considering that in the 1970s it emerged that Rama Lama Ding Dong is actually a woman. You can insert your own 'Welsh' joke here.’

Image by Marie Sjödin from Pixabay

Your horoscopes for June 2024, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Your sign has recently been taken over by Virgin Media : as such, you can initially expect extremely positive readings at competitive prices. But beware ! The service cost will slowly creep up, the quality of prescience will drop and you will end up being treated like sh*t, the same as the rest of us.

Taurus

What with your dream catchers and crystals, you must think you are a medium. I have to tell you that you are still an Xtra Large.

Gemini

Ask the burning question you've always wanted to ask. No matter where you are, now is the time. Unless you are in primary school as no time is the right time.

Cancer 

The mighty firmament doesn't have time for your pettifogging life this month.

Leo 

The phrase "pull yourself together" will have greater poignancy for you after a little mishap next week. Best to carry a large tube of superglue with you at all times.

Virgo

The old adage has it that if the world gives you lemons, make lemonade. However, what you might do with a ton of well-rotted pig sh*t is a bit of a mystery : some sort of "mineral mud" skin treatment ? If so, please ensure you are wa-a-ay downwind of me.

Libra

All of the other star signs are jealous of you.

Scorpio

Scorpions will defect en masse to Oscar Cainer in the Daily Maily because I don't flatter them with nicer predictions. Go on, see if I care.

Sagittarius

Thank you for your request. Our team is working really, really hard on your forecast, without sleep day or night, so hard in fact that our balls are on fire. Literally. Sorry, what was the question again?

Capricorn

While cleaning the interior of your pride and joy yellow Ford Capri from 1974, you discover a disgusting example of foot skin dropoff. Do not be tempted to lick it.

Aquarius

Your rushing about will create a tear in the spacetime continuum, resulting in you actually meeting yourself coming back.

Pisces

Nope. You can tell yourself what you like. Stop it. It's gross.

Contributions from:

FlashArry : Aries, Virgo,

simonjjames : Gemini, Pisces

SteveB : Capricorn, Libra

sydalg : Scorpio

Sinnick : Sagittarius

Image by gabschgarella from Pixabay