Jamie Oliver pulls children’s book after criticism for stereotyping Mockneys

Jamie Oliver has been sensationally obliged to pull his second book, Geezer and the Oven of Fire, from London bookshelves after a storm of outrage from offended mockneys. The British chef, perennially 27 in his own mind though 49 in chronological age, issued a hastily concocted apology via his publisher, Blindin Books. ‘Mr Oliver sincerely offers his most pukka apologies for any offence taken, nah-mean?’

The humiliating climbdown was forced upon Blindin Books when readers on the outskirts of a true working class London background noticed repeated negative depictions of their type in the storyline . In one chapter, 'Geezer does his nut', Geezer, the eponymous hero, goes into a hangover induced rage because his braised lamb is over-herbed. In another, he calls for central London to be nuked so that all that remains are the outer borough satellite towns that produce authentic mockneys. And in another, he plays down higher education as a waste of time, even though in real life the super chef accepted an honorary degree in dishwashing from Ramsgate College of Let's Get You Through Two More Years of Practical Education to Keep You Off The Govt NEET Stats.

The Geezer series follows the adventures of a young chef from a fictional Essex backwater who leaps to fame when he wins a regional cooking competition in a stained t-shirt. Late for an episode of the 12 minute-episode quick cooking magazine show he is then offered, Geezer accidentally walks through a studio wall, which is an apparent portal into a netherworld of ancient tribes who battle things out in graphic cook-offs. Thus, Geezer lives a double life of popular celebrity in England and culinary warriorship in 'Billericia.'

Geezer attracted controversy in the first book, in which he violently forces his fiancé to drop her aitches, for then giving all his subsequent daughters ‘geezerish’ names: Sam, Billy, and most controversially, Ron. Blur frontman, Damon Albarn, is said to be apoplectic about the depiction of his people. Meanwhile, a source close to Guy Richie says the director is putting about a bit of work said to involve ‘doing Oliver’s knees.’ Elsewhere, Lily Allen was unavailable for comment. Finally, we couldn’t bear the thought of listening to Russell Brand.

Image credit: Wix AI

US billionaires to FINALLY get a break

America’s most oppressed minority – billionaires – have expressed relief that the current Commie hellscape is drawing to a close.

‘You wouldn’t believe how much tax I paid on my last moon base’, one billionaire told us. ‘I’m working night and day to put America on the map yet every gallon of space-grade rocket fuel carries more than a cent in tax. Doesn’t Biden WANT greatness?’

Donald Trump has promised to liberate America’s wealthy from the shackles of socialism. Private sex islands will now be tax-free, penis enlargement kits and fake tan dispensers will be provided from federal reserves and ‘people ownership’ will once more drive America’s industrial strength.

Presidential Hanger-On Elon Musk, and some other bloke nobody has heard of, will job share the role of making government more efficient by sacking all the people in it (except themselves). This will have the benefit of eliminating the Department of Education, which is kryptonite for billionaires. No date has been set for the book-burnings.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Editors note: Efficiency is improved if, for example, you can get more output from the same input, or the same output from reduced input. Sacking everyone, as referenced in the piece above, should certainly reduce input costs, but the effect on outputs might be harder to predict. Don't try to divide zero by zero, you'll upset the mathematicians. That's as far as we go on economics. If you want to know more, try WackyPedia.

Judges urged to stop using the word 'fisticuffs'

There was amusement today in the High Court during Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton’s summing up in the case of Rex vs Sawdust.

'Being unable to resolve your differences in a civilised manner, you then resorted to fisticuffs,' said the judge, before looking up to see where the ill-disguised snorts of laughter had come from.

'I’m sorry, m’lord,' smirked Counsel for the Prosecution Sir Timothy Shirehorse, 'but it does sound very funny when you say that word.'

'What, fisticuffs?' asked the judge, causing another outbreak of mirth. This prompted a furious reaction from the judge, who threatened to hold anyone else who laughed in contempt of court.

'Anyone else feel like a giggle?' he asked, prowling around the courtroom. 'What about you, stenographer? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the word… fisticuffs?' The stenographer just about managed to keep a straight face and shake his head.

'I must admit, I love it when he gets the affray cases,' said DI Steve Concrete afterwards. 'You just know he’s gonna say it. But it’s so hard not to laugh. I have to make sure I don’t catch the Chief Super’s eye, or else we’ll both be off.'

For his part, the judge said he didn’t understand all the fuss about a word that was perfectly commonplace at Eton in the 1920s.

'Next they’ll be saying that describing someone as a ‘rum old cove’ is outdated.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - still hilarious)