Forest fires boosted Hampshire economy by £12m

Researchers for the Hampshire Business Improvement Network say that wildfires in the New Forest have boosted the local economy.

'There is a good news story here,' said a spokesman. 'It's not all about ecological damage and frightened ponies. The fires did attract extra visitors and those visitors spent money on food and drink, accommodation and fire extinguishers. We reckon that the total benefit is around £12m. That's impressive, as businesses had little time to source commemorative t-shirts or packs of Original Hand Made Hampshire Forest Fire Fudge.'

'Of course, we're not suggesting that we should repeat the fires any time soon. It's difficult to market wildfires as a tourist attraction without seeming ghoulish. Having said that, £12m is a significant boost to local businesses, and times are hard...

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Thames Water plans to set fire to all the rain

In what is being described as fusion between rampant capitalism and a James Taylor tribute, Thames Water said that they will undo recent showers. Their CEO revealed that rain was watering down their profits, ‘We need shortages to drive up prices - which is why we are pumping all the fresh water directly into the sea.’

Monetising thirst means Thames Water can offer premium dryness experiences. ‘Just think about it—no more rain delays for sports; everything becomes desert ball, a brand-new franchise.’ Future plans include repurposing clouds as advertising billboards instead of wasting time making rain.

They hope to see a booming wellness industry of grit cleanses and dust immersion therapy. ‘We’ll be creating additional wildfires to use up any excess water, while the remaining dribbles will be evaporated using millions of hairdryers powered by pure spite.’

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Burnham tops polls after emergency messaging

Andy Burnham’s approval ratings have surged since he masterfully deployed the national emergency alert system. In a stroke of genius the alert told the public to use basic common sense. It instantly framed recent wildfires as the fault of thick members of the public and definitely nothing to do with being poorly prepared or the lack of long-term strategy to address climate change or underfunding the Fire Service.

Critics saying that BBQs have not caused a single recent UK wildfire were told they were missing the point.

Sources close to Number 10 say that the alert system immediately and brilliantly creates a narrative that demonises a fictional segment of the population for bad things.

The Prime Minister's timing was impeccable. Despite being on holiday, the emergency message proved that he is a man of decisive action, painting the government as calm, competent and very much on top of things.

Emboldened, the PM's press secretary told us they are preparing a full suite of further emergency alerts to keep the momentum going.

Upcoming messages will warn citizens not to be so overly dependent on clean running water, not to make themselves ill, especially from swimming in sewage-filled rivers and seas, and not to make unnecessary journeys to join protest marches. Each message will be carefully timed to ensure that people never ask awkward questions about systemic failures, underfunding or imcompetence..

A senior aide, speaking at an industry dinner freebie said: 'Blaming the public is quick, free, and polls extremely well. Having a sensible strategy, or actually doing something, takes years and costs money. This way everyone wins - especially us.'

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