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Spurs’ revolving door “could be unlimited source of clean energy”


As Tottenham Hotspur sacks another manager after six weeks, scientists have speculated that the revolving door through which spent managers are ejected, and new useful idiots lured into the job, could provide an unlimited source of clean energy.


“All electricity generation, from coal to nuclear, is based on getting a magnet to rotate within a coil,” explained a boffin today. “And it just occurred to me that this constantly revolving door at Three Points… sorry, White Hart Lane is a resource we just aren’t using.


”After all, it’s sustainable - there seems to be no shortage of idiots who’ll take the job, no matter how disastrous it was for everyone before them. Long term, I suppose it’s possible Spurs might start to do well and keep their manager for more than a couple of months - but it clearly won’t be in the near future.”


Meanwhile, former Spurs manager Juande Ramos was baffled to receive a letter from his old club including an electricity bill for £10,000.


When he protested it was nothing to do with him, they said “Sorry mate - you were the last person in the trophy room in 2008, and you left the lights on.”


image from Grok

BBC appoints UK's biggest masochist to be new DG


'We realise that Google executive Matt Brittin has zero experience in the broadcasting sector,' said a spokesman for the BBC Board of Governors, while placing burning matches between the new Director-General's toes, 'but Matt proved that he's a voracious glutton for punishment and that's exactly what the job entails.


'He impressed us right off the bat at the interview when he entered the room with a bed of nails and lay down on it before demonstrating his ability to walk over broken glass with a bright smile on his face.


'This showed that Mr Brittin might just about be capable of handling hours-long appearances before parliamentary select committees, answering questions about broadcasting from MPs who are too dim to be able to tune their car radios.


'And also to take personal responsibility for thousands of hours of radio and TV content which he could not possibly have had any control over.


'We were also impressed by the runner-up candidate, who simultaneously garotted himself at the interview while swallowing strychnine. We had no hesitation in recommending him to the Football Association to be the next England manager.'



Image credit: perchance.org

Put a granny in goal for our match, Chelsea tell Middlesbrough


Chelsea have formally asked Middlesbrough to stick a 96-year-old grandmother in goal for their upcoming FA Cup tie.


The club say Boro should put Elsie Hammersley, from Stockton-on-Tees, between the sticks in Saturday’s quarter-final on the grounds of “sporting integrity”.


'We think it’s only fair that a person who can hardly walk should be in goal for Middlesbrough on Saturday – just to even things up a bit,' said a Chelsea spokeswoman.


'After all, it’s not our fault that our owner Is a dodgy billionaire with dubious connections. Oh no, actually it is our fault.'


The Blues have been hit hard by the sanctions placed on owner Roman Abramovich and have been banned from selling any further tickets.


They originally asked Boro to agree to play the match behind closed doors, but in a statement the north-east club said: 'Are you f***ing taking the f***ing p***, man?'


Others suggestions from Chelsea included forcing Middlesbrough’s team to play with one hand behind their back, playing their Under-7s outfit, and moving the match to a neutral venue: Dynamo Kyiv's stadium.



First published 17 Mar 2022


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