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Are you Olympics ready?


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It’s nearly here. There’s hardly any time left to prepare – so act fast!   You can almost taste the excitement and the indifference...


If you love the Olympics, then...


    • Learn a few useful French phrases – merde, paf, ouf, for example

    • Buy a bigger telly. Or maybe buy another telly so you can watch two things at once

    • Impress friends by learning all the different cycling events

    • Add lots of snacks and fizzy drinks to your online shopping order

    • Order doughnuts, so you can make your own high-calorie tribute to the Olympic rings

 • Get loads of booze in

    • Draft those ‘dicky tummy’ emails so you’re ready to tell work you’re sick


If you hate the Olympics, then...


    • Start a swear box for anyone attempting to speak in French

    • Hide the telly. Download lots of audiobooks, or get your LP collection out of the loft

    • Start drafting complaints to the BBC about how much sports presenters are paid

    • Add lots of snacks and fizzy drinks to your online shopping order

• Get loads of booze in

    • Draft those ‘dicky tummy’ emails so you’re ready to tell work you’re sick



Picture credit: Wix AI

Take down the swastikas from the Olympic stadium," says organiser. "Le Pen's not in power."


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"It turns out that National Rally didn't get the majority in the National Assembly that it was confidently expecting, so it's back to our original plans," a visibly relieved Albert de la Speer told fellow organisers of Paris 2024 at a staff meeting on Monday morning. 


"That means we can send back to the makers all the 600 blood-red flags with swastikas on them which Marine von Pen was making us drape around the Olympic stadium, and also the iron crosses with oak leaf clusters which she was planning to hand out to French gold medallists.


"We no longer need to create new Olympic events that France would be odds-on to win, like snail racing and the amphibian high jump.


"And the opening ceremony, which will comprise all the competitors sailing down the Seine in barges, should no longer feature France's Artillery Corps lobbing mortars onto a raft at the rear packed with asylum seekers.


"However, because the leftist New Popular Front is now the largest political group in parliament and is calling all the shots, we now have to build barricades in the streets of Paris, pelt the gendarmerie with cobblestones, overthrow the Fifth Republic and round up all elements of the haute bourgeoisie for trial and execution in the Stade de France.


"All in the Olympic spirit, mind you!"




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