Man on bus really looking forward to coughing all over you again come July 19th

A man on the bus is reportedly ‘very excited’ to cough in your face on the commute to work again, starting from July 19th.

The man, who will insist on sitting right next to you despite the presence of two empty seats across the aisle, has no plans to wear a face covering and will splutter in your direction throughout the journey to your workplace.

He told journalists he cannot contain his emotions, or his phlegm, after Boris gave the go-ahead to dropping public health recommendations yesterday. The man’s freedom, along with his hacking cough and profusely runny nose, shall no longer be shackled by central government diktats, he confirmed.

“Finally, the chance I’ve been waiting for,” enthused the man, sneezing profusely. “I’ve been spreading germs all over my fellow passengers for years, and am so glad to get back to what I do best.”

Other disgusting people are also rubbing their hands, amongst other things, at the prospect of so-called ‘Freedom Day’.

A pervy man on the tube is planning to invade your personal space again as soon as social distancing measures are eased, he announced.

“I have my shiny trousers all ready to go and my phone prepped to record.”

“The ‘stay at home’ orders of the last year have been tough for me because there have been far fewer women to ogle on the train. So, as soon as July 19th ticks around, I’ll be there leering on the Central Line, hand suspiciously in pocket.”

At the time this went to press, you were begging your boss to let you keep working from home.

Man only booked holiday to cause scene at airport about having to wear mask

Serial complainer and seasoned scene causer Darren Bates, aged 43 from Preston, achieved what he claimed to be a personal best yesterday after being forcibly removed from Manchester Airport by security following a tedious two-hour stand-off with staff over his refusal to put a mask on.

As soon as Bates heard on the news that the airport will be continuing to ask people to wear masks even after the legal requirement to do so ends, he knew it was an opportunity to make a public nuisance of himself that he couldn’t afford to miss. Bates randomly booked a last-minute deal without even bothering to check the destination, and eagerly set off for the airport with a self-righteous grin spread across his fully exposed face.

Bates explained later that he tries to “choose his battles wisely” and usually only exercises his fundamental human right to be an awkward, petty gobshite with the most puny and inexperienced looking customer service personnel, and strategically picks fights with people whose jobs depend on them resisting the urge to punch him repeatedly in the head. On this occasion, his strategy backfired with the arrival of several large and formidable members of airport security who intervened after his refusal to don a face covering before boarding his flight was about to enter its third hour. The situation escalated into a very short-lived physical confrontation, which resulted in Bates being tasered by security staff and falling to the floor in a crumpled heap, soiling himself in the process.

The self-proclaimed ‘defender of civil liberties’ regained consciousness in a pool of his own urine outside the airport, just in time to see his plane taking off without him, almost three hours behind schedule, which Bates takes full credit for. Although he will be missing his holiday, he won’t be getting a refund and he may face criminal charges, Bates said he has “no regrets” about his actions. Bolstered by what he described as a “huge victory”, Bates revealed that, after nipping home to change his underpants, he is planning to go to London, a city he has never visited before, to protest about having to wear a mask on the tube.

Big business pens open letter to Johnson over 'Freedom Day' postponement

A group of super rich businessmen and women has written an open letter to Boris Johnson, expressing fury at yesterday's climbdown, in not granting England its long-awaited 'Freedom Day'.

One magnate said: 'Is this the bulldog spirit? Can we allow what is clearly the greatest country in the world to be held to ransom by some sneaky underhand nasty foreign bug?'

'And don't talk to me about suffering. I have personally lost millions of pounds worth of value from my companies, leaving me with only a few billion in the bank. How am I to make ends meet? I'm facing ruin here.'

While another complained. 'It might seem like our group is motivated purely by colossal greed for monstrously massive self gains. It could perhaps appear that we're quite happy to play Russian Roulette with the lives of our workforces.'

'Well, perish the thought. Nothing could be further from the truth. You can certainly trust me on that score too. What's more, I am thinking very seriously of implementing the minimum wage across all my business, as well as abolishing zero hours contracts too.'

Meanwhile the former 'Quiet Man' of politics, Iain Duncan Smith, is said to be enraged by the PM's capitulation in the face of the overwhelming medical advice and evidence. An insider said that IDS was "going to jolly well do something about it" assuming he can find anyone of importance, influence or clout prepared to listen to him.