‘Why can’t you be more flirty?’ demands customer

Consumers report a 38% decrease in lingering eye contact and coquettish banter among the serving classes. A recent study suggests that an alarming number of self-checkout staff are refusing to smile with a raised eyebrow as you call for assistance.

They rarely lean over, breathing softly against your neck and let their fingers lightly brush against yours as you fumble for your credit-card. None of these minimum wage teases, seem to play with their hair anymore or laugh at our jokes. Instead, it’s all a perfunctory ‘Can I help?’ with no offer of a ‘Happy Ending’.

Complained one customer: ‘I’m not demanding special treatment – I just want a prolonged hug and my buttocks to be firmly grabbed. I tipped 10% - so the least I can expect is a foot rub. Just because you are poorly paid and half my age – does not mean you should not offer service with a smile – and become the mother of my children. Definitely that last bit.’

Photo by Simon Kadula on Unsplash

A descent into lozenge abuse

A NewsBiscuit investigative team provided this statement from 'Barry'.

'It started out innocent enough. Grandad would let me have a Werther's Original when I was round at his house. Then one day, when he wasn't watching, I helped myself to one of his peppermint balls. That was it. I would spend my pocket money on Polos. They lost their zing after a while and I moved onto the stronger Trebor mints.

I couldn't stop. Even when I had to get teeth pulled 'cos all the sugar made my teeth rot. I kept wanting stronger and stronger hits. Eventually, a friend offered me a Fisherman's Friend. That was it. I was up to half a packet a day.

'Happily, my family staged an intervention and arranged a consultation with a specialist. They're easing me off the strong stuff, little by little. I'm currently on a packet of Halls Mentholyptus Extra Strength. It's been tough going, but I feel that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to be on Cheese and Onion crisps by the end of 2025.'

We wish 'Barry' well in his struggle.

Image credit: Carl Spencer, licensed under https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/

Man calls on bank to rethink how they calculate debt

Mr Graham Sawdust of Budleigh Salterton has called on the NatWest Bank to be more creative and open-minded in the way it thinks about debt.

'OK, so you could argue I owe them hundreds of thousands of pounds, and made an undertaking to pay it back in monthly instalments,” he admitted. “And there’s a way to see it that I’ve failed to make these payments for the last few months.

'But I think that’s a very narrow-minded way of considering wealth. I mean, how can you put a price on hearing the first cuckoo of spring? The feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair? The smile of your baby girl the first time she sees the King Charles spaniel puppy you’ve just bought her?'

When it was pointed out that Mr Sawdust hasn’t just bought a puppy and doesn’t have a daughter, he said these things were just examples, and the bank was being too literal yet again.

”It seems to me, if you want to know how wealthy a man is, you should count his friends.”

The bank said they were very happy to hear Mr Sawdust had such good friends, and hoped they had comfortable sofas as that’s where he’d be sleeping for the foreseeable future.