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Ghost of Christmas future stuck in 2022



Rather than projecting an image of a post-apocalyptic future, he now just shows re-runs of the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special. The ghost lamented: ‘I’m supposed to offer a bleak picture of the future, but I couldn’t think of anything worse than Liz Truss with Omicron’.


Scratching his head, the ghost admitted that Russia and NATO butting heads in Ukraine was far scarier than Mr Fezziwig rogering a plum pudding. ‘I used to warn employers like Scrooge that they should not undermine worker’s rights, but given that nurses are using food banks, that cooked-turkey has flown.


‘I’m foreshadowing how the horrendous things we do now have an impact on a distant future, but with Brexit kicking in, the first season of the Rings of Power and Trump back on Twitter, we’re already f$cked.’

“We must wait for outcome of the Sue Gray inquiry,” insists aged Boris Johnson to nursing home staff



BLUE SKIES CARE HOME, UXBRIDGE 2052 – Exhorting his bewildered carers that if they would only wait a little longer for the findings of Sue Gray’s inquiry into misbehaviour in the highest levels of government everything would be fine, ex-Prime Minister Boris Johnson pled for leniency from the British public yesterday, thirty years after he was forcibly removed from office over revelations of partying in Downing Street during lockdown.



The elderly former leader of the Conservative Party had just finished a meal in the common room, and was being helped into the lounge for an afternoon of quiz shows when he made the outburst, despite the probe by the senior civil servant having led to his political downfall decades before.



“Trust me, plebs, if you give Sue a bit more time, she’ll have the results any day now,” blustered Johnson to the nurse bringing him his daily pills. “Till then, and I’m afraid I’m boring you here, it’s best if we remain patient for her official report.”



Behaving like nothing happened and he wasn’t implicated in an enormous scandal for breaching public health laws which cost him his job and his marriage, the erstwhile-PM implored fellow residents to hang on in there.



“In the meantime I’ll be getting on with the crucial jobs the Great British public really cares about: napping in an armchair, playing bingo, and hoping the Health Secretary doesn’t release Covid-positive residents back into care homes again.”



Staff were reportedly unsure how to break the news to Mr Johnson that the report had emerged years ago, but at press time had decided to humour him by throwing a wine and cheese soiree in the garden and extending an invitation to Dominic Cummings.


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