Labour to impose a supertax on bingo

Government sources have confirmed that the government is running out of ways to scar the poor, penalise the old and disenfranchise the disabled.  Despite all their best efforts they have raped, pillaged and censored the weak and the worthy alike.  Their last, best hope is to raise the taxes on bingo halls, targeting the lower paid and most easily distracted elements in society.

'It is well known that the lower paid, the under-educated and those who seek inexpensive light relief from caring duties like to spend time in bingo halls.  They are our target victims - er - audience, so we will make their miserable lives more miserable.  It's the least we can do, and the least is definitely what we want to do,' said a government spokesman today.

Photo by Bruno Guerrero on Unsplash

Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked - Warren Buffett

Trump takes credit for planetary alignment

President Trump today explained that his administration was responsible for the unusual planetary alignment that allowed no less than seven planets to be visible in the sky last night.

'Would never have happened with sleepy Joe' he told assembled White House reporters. 'This is a great day for American astrologers… astroturfers… whatever the hell they are.'

He went on to say that now the planets were obeying his bidding, it was time to think about opening hotel/casino resorts on other worlds.

'We’re calling it Mars-a-Lago, it’s gonna be great, the best thing ever. You get on one of Elon’s spaceships at Cape Canaveral, and assuming it doesn’t blow up on launch - and they’re getting much better, believe me - you’re there in 7–8 months.'

Asked whether people would really want to travel so far just to visit a barren wasteland with no atmosphere, he replied, 'People go to Atlantic City, don’t they?'

'Besides, that’s based on where Mars is now. We’re gonna be bringing it much closer. And by the way, don’t believe the people who say that would mess up gravity, or whatever, that’s just a Big Science conspiracy theory. Teach the controversy.'

Picture credit: Freepik AI