Entitled Goose Game

Anticipating that brown envelopes full of cash may dry up once he is ejected from No. 10, Boris Johnson is working with computer game developers on something new and original.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Your character is Prime Minister and faces serious real-world challenges. However you get points for charging around causing chaos, partying, getting laid and lining the pockets of you and your mates.'

Game developer Luke Lyle said 'I renamed Untitled Goose Game, and took their money.'

Hootington-Hurst continued 'Turns out, we've changed one letter from an existing game. Now an 'E' instead of a 'U'. Suella Braverman's legal view is that it's all the EU's fault anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of the people.'

Lyle did not anticipate an enquiry into the money spent. 'What are the Tories going to do? Track and Trace me?'

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First published 19 Aug 2022

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Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification.

Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of fresh orange juice in their systems, the type with the bits in that you find in Little Waitrose and some of the larger stores too.”

She added: “The use of organic chicken and a mixed diet of fruit and vegetables is high on our list of banned substances. Their use gives athletes an unfair moral advantage. We will come down hard on any athlete found to be using any of these. Such behaviour is against the whole ethos of the Enhanced Games, which is about transparency, about bringing banned substances out of the darkness and away from shady exchanges in hotel car parks.”

The Games’ marketing director, Annabolik Steroyd, said new records are expected to be broken at the event. “Thanks to the use of a range of substances from cocaine to speed – especially speed – a 6-second 100m and a 2-minute mile are entirely possible.”

There is also excitement about enhanced costumes. Swimmers are expected to use dolphin suits, while high jumpers are allowed springs in their trainers which will make the 15m jump likely.

The rapping boxer MDMA will be the star of the opening ceremony when the Enhanced Games line of cocaine will be snorted on a giant mirror, closely watched by Mohammed bin Salman, leader of Saudi Arabia, the Games’ next host.

image from google gemini

Pulling hair, Chinese burns and Kiss Chase to be banned say FA

An FA disciplinary panel has said hair pulling, Chinese burns and Kiss Chase should not be tolerated and will be considered a bookable offence during the 2026-27 season

The panel stopped short of banning other childish games and pastimes but warned playground pursuits such as British Bulldogs and Hop Scotch could eventually be included to the list if they started creeping into the game..

A spokesman for the FA said that the pulling of hair was an ‘infringement’ and players needed to get a grip and show bit more style.

‘It is curtains for hair pulling’ said Jason Beesley ‘we can’t just comb over the incident like some pageboy pompadour. Players need to shape up before they blow out….hair pulling used to be on the fringes but this season there seems to have been an extension.

We dread locks of hair being pulled out and ending up as highlights on Match of the Day.

Players need to mullet over before they are caught bangs to right….

Obviously there are exceptions….any player caught pulling Cole Palmers hair will automatically receive a free pudding of their choice.

If he finds that hairstyle acceptable then we at the FA think pulling it is acceptable.