Keir Starmer's leaving present

As Keir Starmer returns to the back benches, his colleagues in Number 10 have had a whip round for a leaving present.

‘He is difficult to buy for,’ said a twelve-year-old  policy wonk. ‘He’s got all the suits and spectacles that he needs.  He’s not really the type to wear an Arsenal shirt, not even in bed.  He doesn’t seem to enjoy very much at all.

‘Our first thought was to get him an Amazon voucher, but he couldn’t be seen to support Bezos.  Our second idea was a whisky dispenser, but the optics of that didn’t look good.

‘So we finally settled on buying him a bench.  We thought that he could use it in his garden, and he can choose whether to call it the front bench or the back bench.  It could be useful for him to have a little joke to lighten the mood if people visit.

‘The bench represents thoughtfulness, reflection, and repose.  And it represents transparency, because you can see through the slats.  And it’s not going anywhere.  And all his parliamentary colleagues can come and sit on the bench, in much the same way that they all sat on Keir.  Oh, and the bench also reflects the fact that we didn’t have very much to spend. We’ll sort out the full funding package at the next budget. 

'Andy hasn’t chipped in, by the way. Northerners, eh?’

Image credit: deep dream generator (edited)

Shortage of supplies for landscape gardeners leads to turf war

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An unusual garden problem

A householder is seeking advice regarding an unfamiliar problem with her lawn.  Following a night of heavy rain, her lawn has changed from its normal brown-coloured flat, level state and has suddenly begun to contain patches which have developed a strange shade of - well, almost some kind of green colour.  Even more odd, signs of a peculiar form of green, spiky growth has begun to occur in a few odd, isolated places.

However, an expert has advised her that this is not all that unusual, and often happens with lawns which have come into contact with water or even any kind of moisture, especially if the lawn has also been exposed to sunshine at any stage.  The problem will apparently eventually cure itself once all the moisture has disappeared, although it might be quite a long wait before this occurs again.

 He has warned her that in the meantime this green-coloured growth problem could get worse, and might need to be suppressed using an unfamiliar device called a 'lawn mower'.  These are apparently available from many garden centres and DIY outlets, or may even be available second-hand from a householder who has uncovered one in the back of their garden shed, and doesn't recognise what it is.

The problem is also likely to get worse as the seasons gradually move towards Britain's cold, rainy season, following Britain's cool, rainy season - or towards 'winter' from 'summer'.  

Image credit: perchance.org