An unusual garden problem

A householder is seeking advice regarding an unfamiliar problem with her lawn.  Following a night of heavy rain, her lawn has changed from its normal brown-coloured flat, level state and has suddenly begun to contain patches which have developed a strange shade of - well, almost some kind of green colour.  Even more odd, signs of a peculiar form of green, spiky growth has begun to occur in a few odd, isolated places.

However, an expert has advised her that this is not all that unusual, and often happens with lawns which have come into contact with water or even any kind of moisture, especially if the lawn has also been exposed to sunshine at any stage.  The problem will apparently eventually cure itself once all the moisture has disappeared, although it might be quite a long wait before this occurs again.

 He has warned her that in the meantime this green-coloured growth problem could get worse, and might need to be suppressed using an unfamiliar device called a 'lawn mower'.  These are apparently available from many garden centres and DIY outlets, or may even be available second-hand from a householder who has uncovered one in the back of their garden shed, and doesn't recognise what it is.

The problem is also likely to get worse as the seasons gradually move towards Britain's cold, rainy season, following Britain's cool, rainy season - or towards 'winter' from 'summer'.  

Image credit: perchance.org

How to grow tomatoes on a cramped tour bus. By me, Liam f**kin’ Gallagher

Touring takes it out of you, man. If you want fresh fruit and veg, you’re gonna have to grow your own on a big bus cramped with sweaty dickheads.

First of all you have to remember the tomato is a vine native to South America, it likes it hot and humid. No f**kin’ euphemisms please.

Right! Make sure you’ve got the right growin’ material. Most of you lot will have set up weed farms in your mam’s loft before now, so you know where to get the shit from. If the coach driver gets a bit f**kin’ ‘5-0’ on ya, tell him they’re not actually growbags from Homebase, they’re weed cakes. He’ll be fine, coz he knows he’ll get a cut.

Now, don’t get f**kin’ poncey with your seed varieties. Gardener’s Delight is a good all-rounder, like Jackie Grealish. Little cherry tomatoes are good for snackin’, but f**kin’ rubbish for sarnies and chuckin’ at paparazzi. And your big, fat f**kin’ beefsteaks are only good for mushin’ up into pasta sauce if you’ve gat a w*nky brother that thinks he can cook, or slicin’-up to hula-hoop on your cock when you’re bored and off your t*ts.

Don’t get all weepy either if f**k all’s happenin’ ten minutes after you’ve sowed the seeds. They’ll take a week or so to germinate, so chill your boots, man. When they do, give them as much light as possible during the day, alright? Even when you spark-up, do it over the little plants, but don’t drop f**kin’ hot rocks on them, like a knobhead, yeah?

Keep the plants hydrated. If you’ve used all the water on the bus washin’ your dirty kex, use lager, but let it go flat as a f**kin’ Coldplay album first, toms don’t like their lager fizzy, ok? And don’t give ‘em none of that craft ale shit. You don’t want your beefsteaks actually tastin’ of f**kin’ beef, or whatever shit that’s made from. Trust me, I’ve been there, lol.

Use old roaches to support the stems when brittle and easily damaged, like our kid’s ego. And as the main stems grow, use the drummer’s sticks to support them, that f**ker’s always too mashed to notice. He plays with wooden spoons most gigs.

Using the soil as an ashtray is fine, there’s vital minerals in ash. Just watch out for roadies having a Jodrell in there. You don’t want any of their Neanderthal DNA mutating your crop of plum toms into lookin’ like their actual f**kin’ hairy b*stard plums, for f**k’s sake.

Enjoy your crop, man. Next week I’ll be doing spuds in the sesspit under the bog. At ease. LG out. X

Photo by Rafael Corrêa on Unsplash

Onanist gardener says his hobby is coming up roses

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