More fake news from the NB archives

6th cent. BC. Buddha gets idea for reincarnation while visiting recycling centre.

33 AD. Jesus crucified, asks to be buried with 10kg of self-raising flour.

c. 150 AD. Ptolemy proves world is round. Shops that sold models of Earth now calling them "frisbees".

1450. Renaissance pauses for half-time break so people can clear backlog of witches and heretics to be burned.

1453. Guinness Book of Records congratulates England and France on completing Hundred Years' War.

1560. Nostradamus correctly predicts the Trump presidencies, but realises they are just too far-fetched for publication

1707. Act of Union - apparently. Scotland wakes up in bed beside England with huge hangover and no idea how it got there.

1842. Victorian society is shocked by the first Pirelli calendar, which features pictures of pianos with particularly attractive legs

1854. Alfred Tennyson in secret talks with Light Brigade: 'You provide the charge and I'll provide the poem.'

1901. Death of Queen Victoria sparks constitutional crisis as King Edward too fat to fit on stamp.

1919. Humiliating peace terms for WWI losers at Versailles, whereby Britain allowed to make one 12-part sitcom per year about beating Germany.

Includes contributions from FlashArry and deskpilot

Photo credit stockcake: museum-dinosaur-exhibit_262824_51875

For you, Tommy, ze war is just starting, says Lampard

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Israel’s day of atonement extended to full week

Israel announced today that Yom Kippur, the traditional Jewish day of atonement, will this year be extended to a full week.

'Officially, of course, we don't feel we've done anything wrong,' said a government spokesman. 'Israel's just defending itself, all the innocent lives lost are no different from the civilian casualties when the Allies defeated Germany in World War Two, yada yada yada...

'But when it comes to religion, we have to be a bit more honest. We don't feel G*d would fall for that self-deluding bullshit, since after all no human beings have either.'

As well as adding an extra six days of atonement, Israel plans to add some new prayers to reflect the modern sins the country has committed in the last 12 months.

'Repentance for working on the Sabbath, or coveting our neighbour's ass, won't really cut it this year. We need prayers that say "Sorry about bombing that maternity hospital, but it did look a lot like a missile silo, honest."'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive