German city wiped from map by Food Standards Authority

The German city of Hamburg is reeling after being declared entirely responsible for meat products mislabelling.

'This has gone on for far too long,' announced Helmut Euler, Head Chief at the FSA. 'There is nothing more dangerous in the world than misrepresented consumables. You wouldn't believe the trouble we've had with baby food. Exhaustive tests have shown that there are virtually no babies in it whatsoever.

'It is therefore my grim duty to declare that the entire city is responsible for widespread confusion over whether hamburgers contain pork products or not. Everyone knows that a hamburger should be made using 100% cow. We have no option but to close down the city until it renames itself, changing all signs and map references to Beefburg.

'Next we are going after Brie Larson, who is less than 14% cheese.'

image form pixabay

A few more snippets from NB archives

1912. Guardian leads with "Rare Endangered Iceberg Feared Damaged After Collision With Ship".

1933. Austrian immigrant overcomes prejudice and bigotry to become Chancellor of Germany.

1936. Edward VIII forced to abdicate in favour of brother after Bank of England accidentally puts George's face on 1,000,000,000 pound notes.

1938. Neville Chamberlain describes meal he shared with Hitler. "Peas in our thyme" remark widely misunderstood.

1939. Berlin branch of WH Smith notes sharp rise in sale of Polish phrasebooks.

1940. French become Surrender Champions of Europe and hold title for four years running.

1945. Führexit.

1945. Surviving residents of Nagasaki reassured to know sudden spike in temperature not due to climate change.

1956. Busload of bewildered Dynorod men stranded in Egypt due to "sewers crisis" mixup.

1960. Unbanning of Lady Chatterley fuels huge rise in demand for rough rural sex. Harold Macmillan tells gamekeepers: "You've never had it so good".

1969. In US, millions burn draft cards to avoid being sent to moon. On landing, Armstrong utters famous words, "It's grim up here but at least it's not Vietnam".

1980. Millions turn out to celebrate election of first Geriatrican-American president.

2001. "Three-point turn" to replace "Dodge the Twin Towers" in test for Saudi pilot licence.

Image: Taylor Flowe (@taypaigey) | Unsplash Photo Community

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