Glacier to split for artistic differences

Thwaites Glacier' was originally formed thousands of years ago, from the band members of 'Yes', 'Jethro Tull' and a penguin on double bass. With their unique brand of prog rock and sub-zero temperatures, they regularly had fans frozen to their seats.

For some time scientists had warned about its increased outpourings, not least of which was a three-disc experimental album about the Tolpuddle Martyrs. Set to pursue solo careers, said one part of the glacier: 'I plan to take a year out and sink the Netherlands.'

Despite being the size of Florida, the Antarctic glacier had struggled to fill stadiums. Asked if they might reform, they replied: 'Only when hell freezes over'.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/nicos_fotowelt-2354795/

Planet not on fire say fossil fuel fans

Renegade maverick free thinkers, who half-read something on Facebook written by Shell and BP, have come together to jauntily deny that climate change is happening, even as the floodwaters hurtle past their homes.

One climate change sceptic shouted, ‘I’m not on fire! You’re on fire - wait -I mean no-one is on fire’, as the flames consumed them as well as large parts of California, Turkey, Greece, Siberia, Algeria, the Amazon and elsewhere.

In Australia, climate change deniers are still politically influential, despite the country being a massive desert and almost always actively aflame.

‘I don’t like it when Greta Thunberg says the world is heading towards a climate apocalypse. But when David Attenborough uses exactly the same words to mean exactly the same thing, I immediately became a climate warrior.’ said one sexist.

Thunberg’s Twitter roasts of world leaders are now considered so fierce that they themselves have been contributing to the rising temperatures.

A Kremlin spokeswoman said ‘Thunberg murdered Putin with words, and he had a good cry on his golden toilet after he saw it. Then he took his shirt off and rode a horse to feel better.’

One climate scientist said, ‘Thank goodness, ole Trumpy Trump isn’t in office. She was shooting orange fish in a racist barrel there.’ He paused to collect some bottles of whisky, bags of cocaine and two busty strippers from under his lab bench, saying, ‘It’s the end of the world mate, might as well enjoy it.’

We'll give up everything to save Earth - except cars, planes, meat, etc

In light of the UN's damning climate change report, politicians have demanded that we all look concerned and nod in a sage-like way. Everyone agreed it was really important to do something, provided it was not now and not them.

The public was encouraged to change their lifestyle but only if it is not too inconvenient. Foreign holidays would be cancelled unless they were going anywhere nice. Cars would be replaced by public transport, except when it involved buses or trains. Meals would be vegetarian only, with a side order of steak.

As one concerned citizen said: 'David Attenborough got me to give up plastic cocktail sticks, which was a toughy, as I normally drink pints. We should definitely do so something about the environment, and when I say we, I mean our grandchildren. Provided, of course, they're not already 10ft under the sea.’