a low river pictured recently
Water companies have expressed alarm that low water levels will curtail the ability to pump raw excreta into fresh-water ecosystems, their primary business activity.
“How can we discharge unprocessed effluent into bodies of water with impunity, if there isn’t any water”, said a representative of the water companies, “no-one wants to see us forced into a position where we’re treating the sewage into noncontaminants like clean water and fertiliser.”
Environment Minister, George Eustice, confirmed that emergency strategies were being implemented.
“We’re getting on with the job of rolling out world-beating measures, ranging from ploughing toxic sludge into dry river-beds, through to spoon-feeding faeces directly into the mouths of floundering aquatic fauna,” he said, “we’ll do whatever it takes avoid a worst-case scenario, where people are obliged to defecate into their own garden ponds, bird baths and goldfish bowls”.