"It had been nearly a year that the Church of England was without an Archbishop of Canterbury and I thought that if the position were to be left vacant for a single more day, our dear nation would crumble into the sea," said 525-year-old Moira Bonkers of Fading Light nursing home in Broadstairs, shedding tears of pure joy onto her hymnal.
"But now God has wrought His wonders and we have a new incumbent on the Throne of St Augustine to lead all our souls to heaven," continued Bonkers, as church bells pealed inside her head.
"And I do so respect the Right Reverend Thomas Cranmer as a great moral and spiritual leader for our age," she added.
On being told the new Archbishop is not Cranmer but a former NHS bureaucrat who constantly wears a plastic laminated ID tag around her neck saying that her name is Mullally or something, Bonkers said: "Yeah, right. Like that's who God wanted - Sarah from Personnel."
News from Corinthia today as adminstrators for the region check the post and discover yet another missive from St Paul.
"Oh my God, it's another one", said Anastosios Papas as he flipped through the various correspondence, "I can't believe this, he must send one a week. First it was all 'Love they neighbour' and 'worship our God freely' and all that good stuff. You know, that's fine we're a good fearing people. But now it's all, 'have you seen Taylor Swift is getting married?' and 'apparently red wine ISN'T good for you after all! I mean, I like the guy, but 200 years worth of letters is a bit much."
We tried to reach out to St Paul but he was busy writing a letter to the Ephesians to tell then that the Galatians still have their strimmer and are not looking like they are giving it back.
image from pixabay