Appalled by Trump, God to Expand Deadly Sins list

Horrified by Donald Trump's unbridled evil, God has decided to expand the deadly sins list, adding an as yet uncertain number to the current seven. God, the top Christian, is said to be 'gobsmacked' by the depth and breadth of Trump's malignance.

'God really thought that He had pretty much covered all the possibilities with the existing seven,' said Gabriel, a close God associate. 'And then along comes this orange wanker who just blows the roof off.'

In the coming days God is expected to convene a panel of experts to determine the number and type of sins to be added to the list. An inventory of Trump's 'unforgivable acts' is currently underway, according to Gabriel. 'We're already on day 10 and we're still not done. I mean, it took the Big Guy just a week to create the whole fucking universe.

The question of Satan's influence on Trump has 'inevitably come up,' Gabriel acknowledged. 'The information we have from our agents in Hell is that old Beelzebub is as shocked as we are,' he continued. 'That said, he's apparently starting to feature Trump in some of Hell's training videos.'

A representative of Hell declined to comment for this story.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

Jesus Returns to Earth for MaccieDs

Chowing down on a Filet-O-Fish and the odd loaf, Jesus today confirmed he had returned to Earth for a MaccieDs.

Commenting on speculation of a permanent return, Jesus denied such drastic action, ‘I’ve got it good in Heaven. Only problem is, God’s so lenient, staff hardly ever show up for work, which is a real pain when you want a takeaway. I’ve tried to talk Him into investing into those self-service stations but he wants to be seen as a people person, so for the moment it’s a no go.’

Image: u_j9jmg8ttbv - Pixabay

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Musk Demands God's Resignation

Citing what he called God’s insufficient support of American president Donald Trump’s agenda, Elon Musk has sent the Supreme Being a letter demanding his resignation within 30 days. The letter, signed by a Musk representative, states that ‘‘if you [God] resign within the specified time period, you will be paid through the end of the calendar year. However, if you refuse to do so, we cannot guarantee your continued employment in any capacity, and your pension will be at risk.’

The Musk representative’s letter lists a number of God’s ‘deficiencies,’ including his ‘failure to eliminate - through the use of plague, famine, or other suitable means - unfriendly federal judges, satirical websites, and Democrats.’ The letter goes on to criticize God for ‘blowing up an excessive number of Mr. Musk’s rockets and cars,’ as well as ‘providing only lackluster support for the Trump Bible sales campaign.’

The letter puts God in a very difficult position according to Alfred Newman, Associate Professor of Supernatural Career Development at the University of Notre Dame. ‘Like many mid-career professionals, God will likely find it difficult to start over in this rapidly changing economy,’ Newman said. ‘While he can probably be retrained for a job in the tech industry, many employers will hesitate to hire a being powerful enough to have created the universe,’ Newman noted. ‘They fear potential discipline problems and other supervisory challenges,’ he explained.

The Union of Significant Deities has rallied to God’s defence, condemning Musk’s letter in the strongest terms. ‘Sure, God can be a bit stuffy at times,’ noted Osiris, who currently holds the union’s rotating presidency. ‘But we’re not going to let some Nazi rando push him around.’ Osiris said that he has had to restrain some of the more hotheaded gods from taking reckless retaliation. ‘Zeus, god love him, wants to split Musk open with blue bolts of lightning,’ Osiris noted, ‘but his eyesight has gotten pretty bad, and his aim is even worse after he’s been drinking.’

Instead, Osiris is counselling patience for now. ‘I can’t discuss the future with mere mortals,’ he told reporters, ‘but let’s just say we’ve slipped a few jokers into Musk’s deck.’

A Musk representative declined - in a remarkably offensive manner - to respond to a reporter’s questions. God has been contacted for comment.

Image: Tumisu - Pixabay

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