Labour thrills nation with exciting pledge gimmick

"This is the first Labour government that Britain's had for 14 years, which is incredibly exciting if you're part of the government," a Labour spokesman told bored reporters.

"I mean, you can't imagine the amount of free stuff millionaires are dangling in front of us.

"But the British public have really disappointed us by being so underwhelmed. It's as if they don't care any more whether it's Labour in charge of the country, or the Tories, or Daft Dave who sits giggling on a wall in Droitwich.

"So to get the attention we deserve, we are making six impressive-sounding pledges. And we are doing this even though no one will believe we can actually fulfil them.

"There isn't a chance in hell that we will make the UK's economy the fastest-growing in the OECD, or that we will get 1.5 million new homes built.

"However, we can put out a press release saying how dynamic and unflinchingly brave Keir Starmer and his team are for setting themselves such ambitious, reality-defying targets. Newspaper readers will spend at least two seconds scanning the headline to the story before yawning and going back to bed.

"It will also show the nation's political commentators that while we are incapable of improving the state of Britain, we are as good as Tony Blair's government was at thinking up PR gimmicks to look like we are trying to.

"Is Labour in charge now?" yawned a voter, climbing her stairs with a candle and a glass of warm milk.

"I thought it was still the Tories, because absolutely sod all around here has changed."

Image: Pixabay/Sammy-Sander

Starmer renews his breakfast priorities

Today at number 10 Downing Street, Sir Keir Starmer set out his renewed priorities for breakfast.

Emphasising that he wasn’t going back on earlier statements about what he likes to eat in the morning, merely renewing his priorities with perhaps more emphasis on some aspects than others, Sir Keir said it was time to completely rethink the way we approach breakfast.

He rejected the old paradigm which said that you had to choose between cereal or a cooked breakfast, and what he called the “defeatist thinking” that eggs could be either boiled or scrambled but not both. When it was pointed out that there were no eggs anyway as he’d forgotten buy them, he reminded his wife that this was always an aspiration, not a commitment, and he hadn’t been aware of the disastrous state of his personal finances until opening his wallet at the checkout in Budgens.

He concluded by saying that surely brown toast was really just white toast that had been toasted for too long, at which point he noticed that his wife was no longer there, and neither were the suitcases he’d noticed in the hall on his way down.

Image: Pixabay/pexels

Petition to bring back 'Spangles' passes 2 million signatures

Right-wing media and influencers across the UK are claiming a government petition demanding a General Election equates to a vote of no confidence in the government. However, the petition's impressive number of signees lags behind the current leader, which aims to resurrect Spangles, a favourite sweet of the 1970's.

'Sir Keir Starmer has to accept the will of the people and talk to the King about this at their weekly audience,' said Dan Steely, the petition's creator. 'Hopefully between them, they can persuade Cadbury, or Trebor, or whoever made them to fire up the presses and get Spangles back on British shelves where they belong. If we can do this, then I've got plenty of other ideas for petitions: To bring back the Bar Six, change Snickers back to Marathon, and re-join the European Union. I think the first two have got the best chance of going somewhere.'

In Whitehall, civil servants monitoring the petitions were said to be advising ministers about the best course of action, and which flavour was most likely to appeal to Reform voters. 'We originally thought blackcurrant,' a member of the petitions team told us, 'but then we realised they'd baulk at anything with black in the name. So, we decided on the classic English flavour of pineapple. To be honest though, it wouldn't have mattered which we'd chosen, once we'd put them in Union Flag packaging and called them 'Patriot Sweets' we'd never keep them on the shelves.'

Image: WixAI