Businesses say rise in Employers National Insurance will trigger huge price rises

Cheesed-off business leaders have started a campaign against the increase in employers NI that is likely to be in the budget later this month.

One fat cat told us, ‘If our costs go up, then we will have to put our prices up. A big mac could hit five quid. Tea in a National Trust café could hit six quid. Scones could be a fiver each. It’s not going to be pretty. This will fuel inflation and cause a wage price spiral that could see Russia invading Moldova and the melting of all the arctic ice.

‘Luckily, there is still time for the chancellor to see sense, and to decide to cut benefits for work-shy dossers instead. If she could see her way clear to doing that, then we can happily keep paying for government ministers to have smart new clothes, designer spectacles, gig tickets, and Premier League football boxes. Simples.’

Image: Pixabay/geralt

“Don’t judge me by first 100 hours” says captain of Titanic

It was revealed today that Edward J Smith, captain of the Titanic, gave a press conference an hour or so after striking the iceberg.

”OK, I concede the first 100 hours of the voyage have been choppy,” said the bearded mariner, as the water lapped around his ankles. “But hey, that’s the business we’re in. A ship in harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for, am I right?

”It about taking the tough decisions, even when they aren’t popular. And from what I’ve since heard from the crew and passengers, driving the ship into an iceberg definitely wasn’t popular.

”But believe me, these little setbacks you’re all obsessed with now will be completely forgotten once we arrive triumphantly in New York, where cheering crowds and brass bands await us.”

The rest of his speech was lost as the waters closed above his head, though some witnesses claim he said “At least I didn’t lead a left wing party into power and then kick pensioners in the teeth.”

Image: Pixabay/Iffany

Cap'n Starmer: 'Choppy waters, ye say? Yo ho P&O!'

Pirate Cap'n Keir Starmer has - at cutlass point - withheld a days' grog from the brightly barnet-ed buccaneer (and Transport Secretary) Louise Haigh. Haigh had recommended senior P&O executives be asked to walk the plank for their cannon fire and cannon rehire practices.

Cap'n Starmer has steered his ship more to starboard than Haigh was expecting. Haigh's colourful hair has proved a useful hiding place for parrots perched on her shoulder.

P&O's new cost-saving fleet now includes The Marie Celeste, The Titanic, The Hispaniola, The Nostromo, The Black Pearl, The Exxon Valdez, The Bismarck, The Golden Hind and that container ship that got stuck in the Suez Canal.

In the event of nearby Spanish galleons, customers may be required to return musket fire and they will now have to splice their own mainbraces, swab the poop deck and avast any landlubbers in their party.

Image: Pixabay/Noupload