The Government has been named as sponsors for Ant & Dec's new show: 'I'm a UK Diplomat... Get Me Out Of Here'.
Speaking to reporters, a Foreign Ministry spokesman commented: 'I'm sure the lads will do a great job. What's more, I know our self-serving diplomats will happily eat arses, cocks, anuses, not to mention freshly baked animal feces if it ensures they get out of the world's trouble spots before our ordinary nationals who are either working abroad or perhaps on holiday.'
One diplomat told us: 'I'll do whatever it takes to get my lardy and cowardly bum in a seat aboard one of those evacuation planes. You'd better believe it.'
When it was suggested perhaps it might be more in-keeping with his duties to first assist regular British citizens to leave these countries safely, he said. 'F*ck that for a game of soldiers. Because you see I'm very important, and sadly... I'm rather afraid they're not.'