Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

With energy bills set to rise for millions in October as Ofgem increases the energy price cap by 4%, the Government is also expected to announce its widely-anticipated cap cap on Northerners.

From 17th October, there will be a limit for people in the north to own no more than two caps - one to wear during the day and one to wear at night in bed - in the hope that people in the south do not get caught out like last year, when a dearth of hats caused excessive banging of teaspoons against saucers in Royal Tunbridge Wells and the near-cancellation of the Royal Ascot Ladies Day.

Mr Tom Bowler, Minister for Headwear and Protective Coverings, is expected to encourage Northerners to donate any caps that they no longer require to those less fortunate in the south so that they, too, can stay warm in the winter.

'This is a good way that we can protect the environment and use less fossil fuels,' Mr Bowler said, 'so not only are we all able to help the Earth, but we're also saving money, too, by not turning on the heating.  So I urge everyone int' north to donate any unused caps, hats and headwear to us southern jessies, so that we can all be safe and warm this winter.'

image from Google Gemini

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No policies announced today

The government has announced no new policies today, extending the political drought to 72 hours.

Expert commentators say that the government is leaving a dangerous policy vacuum that will just suck in loony policies from Reform or stupid ideas from TikTok.

'The policy vacuum does real economic damage,' said one freelance journo. 'I need new policies to write about, dissect, argue about, and write air-headed vox pops about. No policies, no paychecks for me.

'The government could easily boost the economy right now, just by announcing some new policy ideas. They don't have to be credible, actionable or sensible Just something we can all write about.'

A government PRsole said, 'It's silly season. Journalists are perfectly able to make up so-called news stories on their own. Anyway, there's always more nonsense coming from Trump, so we suggest that they write about that.'

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Plan to house homeless people in Travelodge hotels is ‘unsafe’

The Prime Minister has unveiled a plan to end rough sleeping, promising to 'get everyone in for Christmas' by offering homeless people accommodation in Travelodge hotels.

However, the plan has been criticised by one homelessness charity, who pointed out that asking homeless people to sleep in a Travelodge may not be the safest solution, citing several recent reports of strangers walking into occupied rooms.

'We don’t think it’s appropriate to put vulnerable people somewhere where they can be woken at 2am by a complete stranger who’s been given a key to their room,' said charity spokesman Steve Wilkes, who then added, 'They’d be safer on the streets.'

The Government has defended its proposal, insisting that homeless people would be offered 'a warm room with a bed, a tiny kettle, and a self-service breakfast'.

'We think it’s a reasonable offer,' said Burnham.

However, when asked if he would personally sleep in a Travelodge room where a stranger could potentially walk in, Burnham reportedly paused for several seconds before saying, 'Let’s move on.'

One charity has suggested that homeless people could be allowed to sleep in the corridors of the House of Commons, but some MPs were concerned that they would have access to the on-site gym, social club and subsidised bars and restaurants. One MP warned that allowing homeless people into the Commons could set a dangerous precedent: 'Before you know it, they’ll be claiming expenses, taking long lunches and falling asleep during debates.'

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