Keir Starmer Wins BAFTA for Best Actor in U-Turn: The Movie

Hollywood was left stunned last night as world-leading thespian-activist and part-time grey suit mannequin Keir Starmer swept up a BAFTA for Best Actor in 'U-Turn: The Movie', a political thriller praised for its special effects and total disregard for plot consistency.

Gliding down the red carpet with the confidence of a man who has never met a position he couldn’t reconsider, Starmer reportedly asked whether Wunmi Mosaku was 'one of the smaller Chagos Islands,' before advisers gently turned him 180 degrees and pointed him toward the photographers instead.

The film opens with a blizzard of pledges before pivoting into a graceful montage of reversals on winter fuel, WASPI women, grooming gangs and digital IDs –proving once and for all that the only red line is the one being quietly rubbed out.

Critics have called it 'the first political drama filmed entirely in post-production.'

His line, 'These are tough decisions,' already rivals cinema’s greats for emotional ambiguity.

Accepting the award, Starmer thanked 'everyone who believed in change,' before clarifying that by 'change' he meant small coins.

Image: mark1657 - Pixabay

Palatine Action , UK Gov await Tel Aviv's orders

.

Scouts told they should have read the small print, before they signed up

The government is to announce new powers making it easier to mobilise tens of thousands of paramilitary personnel to prepare for war.

Under the terms of being accepted as a Scout, recruits had to swear they would follow the Scout’s duty before anything else, even though he gives up pleasuring himself, or comfort, or safety to do it.

Legally, a spoken agreement has the same value in law, as a written contract.

Whilst it isn’t expected at this stage that Scouts will be given weapons, or get to drive tanks, it’s thought they could take pressure off front-line troops by polishing their boots and topping up the officers’ glasses in the mess.

They will be told that so long as they behave themselves, a career in teaching awaits them at the end of their military service, where they can use the skills they were taught, i.e. how to shout and bully people smaller than them, as happened when ex-conscripts became teachers in the 60s.