Cost of living crisis - PM and Chancellor are both on the same page

It's being reported by Downing Street, that although the PM and the Chancellor had previously disagreed about a windfall tax on energy companies they are both now nearly on the same page.

Unfortunately, during their disagreement, the page got shredded. A team of forensic civil servants have been tasked with reassembling the pieces, hopefully in the correct order and it is hoped that by the time the work is completed, the nation will be able to afford to eat again and pay their bills.

When asked how long this would take, one of the civil servants told us "It's a laborious and painstaking job re-assembling shredded paper. Before we can get started on re-assembling the page, we have to pick out the pieces from all the other stuff in the shredder. It wouldn't have been so bad if the PM hadn't asked the Metropolitan police to hand the Partygate evidence over to him, now they've finished their inquiry."

Image: pixabay/Hans

Government passes emergency law to prevent poor people inhaling calories off the top of cake

The government has acted swiftly and decisively on the number one priority facing Brits, by whipping the cream out of Tory MPs to pass emergency cake laws.

A government spokes-smirker announced almost solemnly, 'What we absolutely have to ensure is that poor people are not receiving free luxuriant aromas above their station. Even more than this, we simply can't have paupers inhaling calories they haven't paid for. Should a cake be so unfortunate as to find itself in the vicinity of a mendicant, it must be protected from having its heavenly ambience experienced.

'That is why this government has moved instantly to protect the rights of cakes and the owners of cakes. Any person of meagre means finding themselves able to smell cake, must immediately make their way to a place where only excrement can be smelt. Failure to do so will result in a £20,000 on-the-spot fine, even if they are wholly within their usual place of residence.

'And anyone suspected of inadvertently inhaling calories off the top of cake, must immediately return those calories, or have their nostrils expelled to Rwanda.

'Enquiries from the bothersome have sought to ascertain who we classify as poor people. It is clearly defined as all those not preferred for the government procurement VIP lane. Or as we like to call ourselves, The Circle of Thrust.'

Tories: ‘Cost of living crisis not our fault, it's our Sistine Chapel'

One Tory MP who wished to remain anonymous, has spoken out about the cost of living crisis:

‘This wasn’t just thrown together you know. 12 years of avoidable mismanagement is actually quite hard work, but we've created a masterpiece! We absolutely could make people’s lives better but we simply don't want to.'

‘And how would ordinary people suffer for our entertainment otherwise? Remember David Cameron? Just reading about the anguish he helped cause was no longer enough to sexually arouse him – he had to see it for himself. Now 'going to the food bank' is rhyming slang in his house.’

‘Victorian level poverty is what these oiks - sorry, people - voted for and we should respect that by screwing them over and over and over again. What do they want – food and heating?'

'It makes you sick. More inexplicably legalised foie gras?’

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu