When you can't see your GP

Treasury will get GPs to do your dishes and then regrout your downstairs loo

Her Majesty's Treasury are pretty sure that General Practitioners would like to take on extra jobs and get out of their surgeries more. 'They must be so bored with the limited levels of diagnosing stuff they haven't had to do in recent years,' grunted a Treasury spokes-elf as it stepped, blinking into the light.

'All we're doing is coming up with bonkers things for Liz Truss to vaguely mumble while she gets everyone else to graft as she sweats bricks putting her feet up. Bone idle and lazy is what everyone else in Britain is. She knows because she got other people to work it out for her while she busily had another cuppa.

'Also, nurses should fill in potholes with leftover semolina, firemen need to get right on the case sweeping down giraffes with toothbrushes, and teachers must go on gruelling quests to find rings which make you invisible.'

Pushed on whether getting GPs to make financial assessments was really foisting Treasury responsibility elsewhere, the response was, 'Lord Treasurer, no. We just fancy a crack at sticking our fingers up your bottoms.'

Image: chefkeem | Pixabay

GPs replaced by Druidic Apothecaries

A US owned healthcare provider has a cost-saving measure for getting your nan's lumbago diagnosed, involving a plague doctor, with a certificate in trepanning. By using traditional practitioners, they can do away with expensive luxuries like anaesthetic or informed consent.

A representative of Operose Health said: 'Yes, we could use fully qualified GPs but its much cheaper to leave it to Mad Meg the Exorcist.

'We will be focusing much more on potions, spells and rubbing a horned toad on your athlete's foot. We've an excellent Mesopotamian Priest who can cure your erectile dysfunction with a goat sacrifice and an arsenic enema'.

Coincidently, patients have complained that waiting lists date all the way back to the Medieval period

Image: Pixabay/StevePB