FIFA sells football's soul to Satan

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Trump to sue BBC over The Apprentice

The President has threatened to sue for $1bn, unless the Beeb remove footage that makes him look like a d%&k - specifically 14 seasons of The Apprentice. Editors are accused of splicing footage to make it look like Trump can string a sentence together or hold a rationale thought. An accusation vehemently denied, by Trump.

Filmed in Trump Towers, the show pretended that the President was solvent, knew something about business and was not molesting half the crew. This gross distortion of the facts, gave the false impression that he was of sound mind and testicles.

Trump said the BBC had repeatedly spread lies about him, making it impossible for people to take his bright orange face seriously. Even accusations that he visited the Epstein Island to have carnal knowledge of an african antelope have been dismissed by Trump as fake gnus. The Beeb have one month to come up with the cash, or he will withhold paying for his TV license.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

'Trump's coming along well,' says proud Putin

'My protege Donald is a model oligarch,' an admiring Vladimir Putin told his house-trained hacks in the Kremlin press corps.

'The way he destroyed Jimmy Kimmel's career was right out of the Goblin Vladimir playbook.

'A comedian mocks you and your allies for taking advantage of someone's death to smear your opponents. What you don't do is go charging in there trying to arrest the guy, because everyone will play the hero and defend him to the hilt.

'So you secretly work on the TV corporation which airs the show, threatening to confiscate its broadcasting licence and to stall on approving its merger request.

'Then you leave it to the board of directors to make their own, totally independent, decision to sack Kimmel for exercising his right of free speech.

'Since the people who own America's media care more about money than freedom, within a matter of months you'll have every one of them in your pocket, just like I have.'

'If you ever wondered what Trump and Putin chatted about in the presidential car in Alaska with no civil servants listening,' said a White House Stepford wife, 'then now you know. He's been learning all that FSB greaseball stuff.

'And you can judge for yourselves just what a grip we've now got on the media in our country after seeing how all the US journalists cravenly stood up and applauded Mr Trump during his state visit to the UK.

'Actually, that was a bit too obvious,' the spokes-robot continued. 'We'll have to order these slavish minions to dial it down a notch.'

'Trump's slavish minions gave him a standing ovation, did they?' roared an incandescent Putin at his press conference in the Kremlin. 'Right, on your feet, you miserable muzhiks! I want relentless clapping for half an hour minimum!'

Image: WixAI