Harrods Emergency Supply Hamper will be this years best selling Christmas Present

As the government encourage us to keep at least 3 days supplies stashed away in case of climate/ cyber/ pandemic/civil disorder/ fuel shortage issues in the near future the leading retailers are scrambling to make their hampers the best that you can buy this Christmas. Harrods lead the way with a hamper which is literally fit for royalty.

The Harrods 'Emergency Luxury Box' has everything a well to do family would need to get through a major crisis.

Contents:

• 1 tin of braised Greenland Reindeer in red wine

• 1 tin of Yemeni sun dried tomatoes

• 1 jar of Palestinian black olives,

• 5kg of Ukrainian flour and equipment for making sourdough

• 1 pack of Nepalese brown rice

• 1 litre of Venezuelan cooking oil

• A pack of Mexican Tortillas infused with chinchilla oil

• Russian caviar in champagne marinade

• Two 10 litre bottles of Himalayan glacier meltwater

• One large can of evaporated yak milk

• 4 pack of Swiss Osprey breast fillets

• 1kg of sealion milk mozzarella

• 2 kg Eritrean truffles

The additional 'Capitalism Collapse' pack is also available at extra cost (naturally) and includes:

• A pack of 20 whale blubber candles with silver candlestick

• One canister of Iranian Butane gas

• 1 ton of Indonesian mahogany rosewood fire logs

• 4 pre-filled medical grade hypodermic syringes (1 Ozempic , 2 Botox, 1 morphine)

• 2 bottles of Chateau Musk soixante neuf sec

• One bottle of Trump Orange, tanning lotion

• 2 packs of Tena Lady (heavy duty)

• 2 GB data card for Giff Gaff mobile network

• One Smith and Wesson 45 mm hand gun

• 24 bullets

Image: CestasdeNavidad_store - Pixabay

Rooney quits Plymouth to take on Christmas job as store Santa

Wayne Rooney shocked the football world last night when he sensationally quit the manager's post at low-flying Plymouth Argyle to become a temporary Santa Claus. The ex-Manchester United wunderkind said he can no longer ignore his destiny. 'I've been growing into the ideal face for Father Christmas ever since I hit 30. Now is the time to make it official.'

The grizzly soccer boss, who'd noticeably whitened his beard of late, said his agent had been inundated with offers from competing department stores. 'When Harrods come calling, you don't say no. They are still the benchmark for big department stores.' The premier league department store has been reeling from the scandal surrounding former boss Mohammed al Fayed, currently entering Jimmy Saville territory in terms of numbers and retrospective repulsiveness.

'It's the smart move,' says Plimpton Shrew, chief market analyst for Shrew Binary Market Annaleptics. “There's no better way to bounce back from having a world historical sex offender for an owner than with a celebrity Santa.' Rooney is the first ex-footballer to move from the sport to the grotto since Billy Bremner was hired as a yuletide elf by an ambitious Asda in 78.

But others are unconvinced Rooney will fit seamlessly into the Harrods team. 'Wayne Rooney will be talking to a lot of rich kids from the shires who simply won't understand that scouse accent,' said sources close to a concerned Alan Hansen. 'The move looks good on paper. But there could be hot childrens' tears if he's unintelligible.' Injury could also be a problem. Towards the end of his career, Rooney suffered repeated knee issues. The downward force on his lateral meniscus of several hundred 2 to 9 year olds during the coldest month of the year could put him out of the pudgy, red nosed, overweight gift-giving imitation business permanently. Ho ho ho.

Image: WixAI

Victims of sexual harassment urged to complain “at the time”

New guidelines issued today urge victims of sexual harassment or abuse to complain at the time the offence is taking place, rather than decades afterwards.

The announcement came in response to 65 further allegations against former Harrods owner Mohammed al Fayed, following the TV documentary “Predator at Harrods”.

“Obviously we welcome anyone with knowledge of a crime coming forward,” said Chief Constable Dimbleby Dimbleby. “Though I have to say, it would be more useful if you told us soon after the crime occurred, and preferably while the perpetrator was still alive.”

Feminist groups dismissed this as “yet another example of victim blaming. Here we have evil predatory men having their wicked way, and as always it’s the women who are asked to change their behaviour.”

The spokeswoman also said that well known figures like al Fayed, Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein were “just the tip of the iceberg” and there were many more powerful men behaving the same way, but helpfully refused to give any details of who they are.

A witness who was due to give evidence against al Fayed failed to show up at the hearing, having been hit by a dangerous driver as she was crossing the road. Asked if she’d reported this to the police, she said “I think I’ll wait 25 years and see if there’s a documentary about the same guy running over lots of other people. If so, I’ll come forward.”

Image::STVIOD - Pixabay

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