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In a bid to reassure patients that the ambulance they requested is actually on its way, the government has given a contract to FlightRadar24, who are adding ambulances to their app. Patients will now be able to track the progress of their ambulance in real time.


A spokesperson from FlightRadar24 told Newsbiscuit that it had initially seemed like a challenge, but after discussing the matter with their technical whizkids who told the sales team they were already tracking 10 hour non-stop flights successfully, they thought it should be possible to track a truck for at least that long, or even longer, maybe even several days.


The Health Secretary said, 'A lot of the problem was about perception. People worried that after they called 999 and nothing seemed to be happening, they were worried that nothing ever would. Now though, it's just like checking a flight left LA on time and you can follow its path all the way.'


We spoke with a victim of a cycling accident as he was being scraped up off the tarmac to ask whether he thought it was an improvement to the service and were told: 'It's amazing what can be done with technology these days. The Amazon van driver who knocked me over managed to extract my missing leg from the van bumper and was kind enough to put it somewhere safe before he had to rush off for his next delivery, because the customer was tracking that online as well. Thanks to the government, I now know for certain it will only be three days before the ambulance will be here.'


Mabel Thomas, a 90-year old pensioner from Maidstone told us however, 'I can't be arsed with all that app nonsense. I'll just carry on on giving the ambulance staff a decent tip when they take me to hospital and know they won't let me down when I need them.'

The Witch King of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul, has been condemned by Lugburz Grishnakh - leader of the Orc Federation as "Useless and not representing the interests of our members" Mr Grishnakh, representing orc and cave troll rank and file said "He has lost the confidence of the federation. The proposed increase in man-flesh allowance to seven kilos a day is nothing less than an insult"


Speaking from his office in Barad-Dur yesterday, the Mouth of Sauron asserted that "The Witch King has demonstrated time and time again his commitment to the orc force but he can't give what he doesn't have. Seven kilos of man-flesh is more than most people are getting. Don't forget Mordor has just faced the biggest crisis in unliving memory. We don't have a magic man-tree you know"



The Witch King, widely seen as a divisive, bullying, tyrant with no moral compass, no inter-personal skills and very little understanding of anything at all, responded to reporters, saying "Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss", before mounting his government-issue giant reptile type thing and flying off.


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