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Criticised for going on holiday at a time of national crisis, Boris Johnson has been compiling a dodgy dossier of his achievements, written in Comic Sans, leaked excerpts below:
'Apparently there's a cost of living crisis. Not for me! Well, there is a cost to everyone else if I go on living. I floated past the free bar on my lilo and I saw Michael Gove bobbing round on an inflatable pink flamingo with a pina colada whilst wearing breathtakingly small trunks. I took his knife from my back, slashed his inflatable and said "Hasta la vista baby" as he sank.'
'I got to fly a fighter plane. I made all the noises myself like 'nyaum' and 'Gerry's on our six' and 'pew pew, pew pew pew'. One of the other chaps told me not to be such a tango whisky alpha tango. I said "Them's the breaks".'
'People say I'm so tired from my last holiday, I need another holiday? Well I bloody did it. Living the dream baby. Peace out.'
In a public statement issued through the FCDO on Friday, Mr Raab has asked the Press and public to stop speculating about his resignation as he is currently on holiday and does not have time to address the questions and pressure. "As a keen paddle-boarder I like to spend as much on-board time as possible whilst vacationing and I need to focus on by board technique for the next couple of weeks not spend time finding excuses for what I'm really doing".
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