Robinson Crusoe scraps plan for Friday to wait 15 years to be allowed into the compound

As long as Friday wears European clothing, learns to speak English, and adopts Christianity, he will be eligible sleep indoors at night. However, the castaway still demands that Friday call him "Master" and refuses to share his own real name. 

Crusoe says the policy was "guided above all by fairness", yet he still assumes a position of superiority, treating Friday as a subordinate rather than an equal social companion, despite Friday's intense loyalty and gratitude.

Anyone else arriving by small boat will have to wait 20 years for settlement, with a further 10 years for those who have not built canoes, cleared land, planted crops. Robinson insists this policy is called 'Indefinite Leave to

Remain', just because the 'Remain' gets up Nigel Farage's nose as he claims that's not what he voted for.

Photo by Meritt Thomas on Unsplash

Mahmood deports Paddington

The Home Secretary made it clear she had zero tolerance for illegal immigrants- particularly the furry variety that $hit in woods. In a TV outburt Shabana Mahmood, accused Paddington of being a bear of military age, determined to come over here and rape our marmalade.

Her aide said. 'I don't care how he got here, small boat or the pen of Michael Bond - that little work-shy Peruvian ba$tard is getting the boot.' This follows the UK adopting Denmark's strident anti-immigration laws, which saw the Little Mermaid pickled and sold as a rollmop.

Initially housed with the Brown family, until Tommy Robinson fired bombed their house, Paddington has been living rough. Mahmood said Paddington's suitcase and hat would be confiscated to cover the cost of his deportation. 'Someone had put a note on him saying 'Please look after this bear' - well f%ck you, Aunt Lucy, you trafficking scum.'

Photo by Alex Stone on Unsplash

Mahmood: 'obviously we will deport the Brown ones first'

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