UK Government announces deal to send Illegal Immigrants to Iceberg A23a

UK Home Secretary, James Cleverly, has announced a deal with Iceberg A23a to process illegal immigrants coming to the UK in "Small Boats". The iceberg, a massive 280m deep and has a landmass twice the size of London,  was carved from the Antarctic coast in 1986 and is about to drift beyond the reaches of the Continent.

'This Conservative Government has yet again come up with a deal that is innovative, humane, value for money and a clear deterrent", said Mr Cleverly, "The iceberg is completely free of people and is run entirely by some very enterprising Polar Bears whose only requirement was a steady supply of Meat and Fish. We will ensure they get this in abundance saving millions for the British taxpayer.'

Mr Cleverly also went only to say that Human Rights concerns are baseless as Polar Bears are not human and are therefore exempt from it's purview.

A spokesbear growled, "This is a great deal as our needs are simple, we want meet and fish and you have plenty to send us."

Photo by Hubert Neufeld on Unsplash

Exclusive: Cindersuella - The Pantomime

Band strikes up

Curtain rises

Stage lights up

Cindersuella walks on, in designer rags singing “I’ll send the planes down to Africa” (by Toto)

Cindersuella: Hi Boys and Girls!

Audience: Booo!

Cindersuella: Arrest these wokerati, PC Plod, their hate speech is causing a disturbance!

PC Plod: Oh, no it isn't!

Cindersuella: Oh yes it is!

PC Plod ignores Cindersuella and walks off whistling “You don’t own me" (by Lesley Gore)

Cindersuella: I’m so tired of being Stay at Home Secretary. My ugly sisters, Maybotta and Lettucia have gone to Number 10. Why do I never get to go?

She starts to cry, then stops.

I know! I’ll make a wish and send it to my friend Rupert in Nutwood. Maybe he can help me.

Twinkly music then suddenly a raspberry sound.

O Bugger, I used the wrong messenger!

Hears a voice from off-stage (“Oyez, Oyez, Cindersuella wants to go to Number 10!”)

Now, I’ll be punished again. I’ll have to disinfect Bibi Stockholm and I’ll never get to Number 10.

She starts to cry.

Suddenly, there is a flash and a woman with a wand and in a brightly coloured costume appears.

Fairy Godmother: You shall go to Number 10!

C: Who are you? How did you get past security?

FG: I’m your Fairy Godmother, Cinders.

C: What’s one of those?

FG: I’m like a magic guardian

C: We want nothing to do with the Guardian here!

FG: No, I’ve come to help you…. with a powerful spell

C: Better be a good one - my last spell in the Home Office only lasted 6 weeks.

More twinkly music and a song from the FG.

C: Just a minute, did you say “Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo”? That’s not English! Do you have leave to stay here? Show me your passport!

FG: Help, it’s a fairy cop. I’m orf!

FG disappears as scene changes

C: Wow, boys and girls, here I am now in Number 10. Just like magic, the PM has asked me. Actually, where is he right now?

Audience: He’s right behind you!

C: Oh no he isn’t!

Audience: Oh yes he is!

Rishi: Oh, no I’m not [theatrically winks at the audience]

C: Aren’t you in the wrong pantomime, Rishi Poshi. This isn’t Aladdin! Although, you certainly look like “a lad in” those shorts.

Rishi: They’re not shorts, Suella, and ….. NEITHER AM I!

Audience: Ha Ha Ha!

C: There are some things I’m going to change, once I’m here. I don’t like the way the floor seems to be moving, for a start!

Rishi: It’s my “live tiles” choice, Cinders.

C: Why have you started calling me "Cinders"?

Rishi: It’s what’s left of your career. You’re fired!

Cindersuella begins to cry

Maybotta & Lettucia: Don't cry, Cinders. You can always get a job at Grimm Brothers News.

C: Oh yes! I could use it as a springboard for my next leadership bid. After all, most of the people here in Fantasy Land agree with me…

Audience begins to cry.

Photo by Cyrus Crossan on Unsplash

Newly-discovered planet is 'safe'

The government is currently drafting a law declaring that a recently-discovered, 259,000 light-year-distant planet, described as a bare rock 'about half the size of that square bit of land sticking out of the left-hand side of England, covered in sheep' and which is 5,000 degrees hot, has seas full of hydrofluoric acid and an atmosphere of chlorine, is 'a safe, convenient and democratically-governed location to which unauthorised would-be immigrants may be lawfully accommodated while awaiting a decision on whether or not they are entitled to permanent residence in the UK.

'Of course it's a sensible choice,' a government spokes-bot declared 'which will deter the literally dozens of unauthorised would-be immigrants flooding to Britain every year in dangerous, ramshackle home-made clockwork flying saucers.

'And no-one need worry about logistical considerations regarding the plante's remote location.  Guests will have plenty of time to get there, have a nice relaxing break and then, if deemed admissible, eventually make their way  back to these shores, before Britain's immigration authorities have come anywhere near to making any kind of decision - about anything.'

Photo by Arnaud Mariat on Unsplash