Horoscopes for March by Tinkerballs

Aries

You gran may be bedridden but I advise that you don’t visit her unless accompanied by a lumberjack this month.

Taurus

If you must walk through the forest, may I suggest that you take a decent satnav with you, rather than leave a trail of breadcrumbs. Come on! It’s 2025 for goodness sake.

Gemini

Those of you with porcine characteristics are advised to stay with relations this month. Your jerry-built houses rented from private landlords will not be able to withstand Storm Wolf which is forming in the Atlantic.

Cancer

Times are hard. Food and fuel costs keep rising. However, sending your idiot son to sell your cow at the market can lead to very unexpected events. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?

Leo

You will wake up naked on the seashore and meet a handsome young man. However, you are not a little mermaid who was given a potion by the Sea Witch so that you can walk among humans. Your drink was spiked in that bar in Benidorm. The only part of the fairy tale that is true for you is that you were legless last night.

Virgo

Hey, princess. No-one is going to believe you caught herpes ‘kissing frogs’ down at the riverbank. Better just ‘fess up.

Libra

A word to the wise: you may feel that your property is secure; what with it being in a castle in the clouds. However, you may find that a sneak thief steals a bag of gold coins, a magical hen that lays golden eggs, and a golden harp. Better install some CCTV before it’s too late

Scorpio

If a swarthy man with a bald head, topknot, bare chest and baggy silk trousers approaches you and offers to grant you three wishes, run away and don’t look back. I shouldn't really need to tell you that!

Sagittarius

You will have a long, surreal conversation with a person in a mirror through the night. The mirror won’t be magic, but the mushrooms you ingested two hour before will have been.

Capricorn

If you share accommodation with seven miners of restricted growth, you would be well advised not to eat any fruit offered to you by a weird old woman. Instead, carry on with your routine and, eventually, I handsome prince will call by, you will fall in love ,and live happily ever after. Just remember that bit about the old woman and the fruit. OK?

Aquarius

You may meet someone who has an unattractive appearance. To such an extent that their friends call them ‘the Beast’. You may try to convince yourself that deep inside they are kind and caring. They won’t be. They are a total arse!

Pisces

Refrain from eating shish kebabs this month. One of the skewers will be one of Rumpledforeskin’s spindles. You will be forced to spin straw into gold forever. What do you mean this sounds like a fairy tale? Do you think I’m making all this stuff up?

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Horoscopes for February 2025 by Sybil

Aries

Sorry, I've been sworn to secrecy for your sign this month.

Taurus

When I said it was time to live life in the fast lane I was using a figure of speech : it was not an instruction, you idiot. i will not be reimbursing you for the tent, sleeping bag and gas stove now strewn along the central reservation of the A1(M) near Doncaster.

Gemini

There is considerable scope for health improvements this month. A stethoscope will be helpful. And a gastroscope. And, unfortunately, a colonoscope. And also a telescope. Don't worry - the doctors will get it out.

Cancer

The voice from beyond the grave says "No message this time as I'll be seeing you soon”

Leo

As you trust my judgement, perhaps you would be interested in investing in some cryptocurrency that I am developing?

Virgo

The Dragon of Disorder has taken up residence in your sock drawer, the Shrew of Penury has eaten the last remnants in your bank account, and the Badger of Sobriety has again shat in your mouth : this is what happens when you unwittingly dick about with Feng-Shui, moron.

Put the furniture back where it was and your trust back in the pareidolia of the heavens

Libra

Oh, Ooh, ah, wow, oof, eesh.

Scorpio

Today is a good day to visit an old acquaintance that you haven't seen for a long time.  You've missed your last few meetings, so you really should make the effort to see them today.  If you are unable to meet them before sundown, then you will be taking a long journey back to a place that you don't much care for.  Do I have to spell this out?  If you don't check in with your parole officer TODAY, then you're going back to prison.

Sagittarius

Sadly, this month the Heavens merely refer to you as ‘collateral damage’.

Capricorn

You will embark on an unexpected, mysterious journey, learning much about strange, exotic places before you eventually turn up at your original destination, exhausted and confused.

In the future, you really should pay more attention to the platform announcements and the 'Departures' board.

Aquarius

A loved one will show no compunction in callously hurting you, and will show no remorse or regret for their actions - but that's cats for you. If you want unwavering devotion and loyalty, get a spaniel.

Pisces

Fireworks, music, dancing. You'd have loved it if you had been invited.

Contributions from:

deskpilot : Scorpio

Sinnick :  Cancer

FlashArry : Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo, Aquarius

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Your star signs for the New Year! What the zodiac has in store for you in 2025…

Aries: Health and wellbeing come to the fore in 2025. You like chips so this year you’ll have a lot of chips. There’s definitely chips in your 2025, Aries.

Taurus: Your latent racism really comes out in June as you make the conscious decision to try to get to grips with the issue of the migrant boats. So when Jupiter pisses on Mars in September, avoid Kent.

Gemini: With Pluto passing the sun as the football season finishes don’t spend any money this year cause it’s a shitter financially. It really is.

Cancer: You don’t get it again so just be grateful for what you’ve got and move on with your life.

Leo: 2025 heralds a period of profound personal transformation. Divorce

Virgo: Explore new hobbies or exercise to broaden perspectives. But that gym you’re joining on Wednesday? Your car gets nicked from its car park. The police don’t even log it as a crime.

Libra: Now is the time to finally crack on with those postponed goals and aspirations. That said the tinnitus doesn’t go away this year, either. Sorry.

Scorpio: This year will see a profound development in self-awareness. That neigbour in your block of flats who talks to himself is you. You finally get the diagnosis and there is some strong medication that alleviates the aural and visual illusions. Unlucky in love.

Sagittarius: Channel assertiveness into projects that showcase your leadership skills. Tell that teenage son to leave and get a job if he hits you again.

Capricorn: Set actionable goals to make real those dreams you’ve always carefully nurtured is something other star signs should do. Not you, Capricorns. Keep buying those lottery tickets cause there’s nothing else out there.

Aquarius Embrace risk, Aquarians. But not in May when you will get done by some lads on Woodford Road. (I’d say watch your back but you’re pissed at the time.)

Pisces: This is a year for Pisceans to shine. You will be seen everywhere when the nuclear bombs fall in March.

Image: Lockjaw

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