Horoscopes for December by the 'Ineffable One'

Aries

Mercury is in retrograde, but that’s what you would expect of a thermometer at the start of Winter, after all.

Taurus

Money worries are a thing of the past now you have come into a small fortune. A more pressing issue is how to remove the blue dye from your hands, face and clothes - you look like a startled smurf.

Gemini

'I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus' is rather sweet when said by a child. Coming home early from from work and finding them at it is another thing entirely.

Cancer

You repeatedly state that you are an individualist, untrammelled by societal expectation with a refusal to 'follow the herd', but this is somewhat undermined by your constant return to the guidance offered by this forum. You claim this is merely an ironic gesture but you are fooling no one but yourself. The hypocrisy sickens me.

See you again next month.

Leo

I've got nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippity do-dah. Nowt.

Best go with the tea-leaves.

Bon chance, mon ami.

Virgo

You will find your purchase of a wood chipper earlier this year comes in handy when you find a scroat has broken into your house to steal the Christmas presents. And so handy that you live near a pig farm!

Libra

Once you come to terms with being a dick, life will become easier for you.

Scorpio

Well it looks like Nearly-Fat Sharon at number 13 has been getting more than parcels delivered by the Amazon man, and Mrs. Lah-di-dah opposite has fallen off the wagon - again - and was picked up for drunk and disord... Hang on, my crystal ball has reset to inane gossip rather than arcane divination

Mind you, that Sharon is a right piece of work and it would be best to leave well alone if you can.

Sagittarius

We must all walk our own path, but best not to go in the park at night, eh?

Capricorn

Looking for love ? What am I, a dating agency ? Seize the day - stride up to someone you fancy, kiss them full on the lips and profess your undying affection. If nothing else, your life will become more interesting and, possibly, a teensiest bit more painful. Still, you might meet that Special One in A & E, or could they be the arresting officer ?

Aquarius

The long-standing Christmas Day tradition of your mother-in-law being so drunk by lunchtime, that she ends up face first in the bread sauce, will not be broken this year. I know. It's a bore, isn't it

Pisces

We all have our hopes and dreams, but best to revise yours down a fair bit to avoid disappointment.

Featuring post from lockjaw and

FlashArry: Taurus, Cancer, Leo, Scorpio, Capricorn

Horoscopes for November 2024 by U Wat Nau

Aries

Confusion over baklava and balaclava may lead to breathlessness, an irritating rash and possible animal cruelty charges. Avoid Tall Carole from Accounts, the North Circular and fish containing vowels. Limit your cusping to built-up areas on weekday afternoons between 4 and 6.

Taurus

You will learn that what you thought was an affectionate nickname for you from your colleagues, turns out to mean 'shit-for-brains' in their language.

Gemini

Congratulations, Gemini. You share your star sign with Donald Trump, Peter Sutcliffe, Boris Johnson, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Like them, you are downright forthright, not bright and alt-right. People who get in your way should Watch Out! This month Mars is descending (half price at Asda), so it’s time to stock up. Your friends are always keen to be with you, but maybe it’s just for the chocolate bars.

Cancer

I see the bad moon a-risin'. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lightnin'. I see bad times today. Don't go around tonight. Well it's bound to take your life. There's a bad moon on the rise. So don't make long-term plans, ok ?

Leo

A stunning win on the lottery, orgasmic sex with a hottie, and a loss of 18 lbs despite a month of supreme culinary delights and exquisite feasting.

Virgo

The number '7' will become prominent in the next few days, possibly in combination with king prawns.

Libra

You will go on a long journey with no apparent end in sight, but that's Northern Rail for you.

Scorpio

The firmanent is in tumult. It's laughing its proverbial tits off over what happens to you this month. Don't worry. It all works out well for you ... eventually.

Sagittarius

The stars predict that you are entering a period of great upheaval and distress. Did the name "Filthy Al's Dirty Kebabs" not hint at the risk you were taking last night?

Capricorn

Whilst out metal detectoring you will unearth a hoard of coins and bones in an amphora. A later translation of the inscription on it will read 'death to they who disturb my rest'. Ah well; you win some, you lose some.

Aquarius

Your stone for this month is gravel. Don't ask me why. Best not to.

Pisces

The voice from beyond the grave says "No message this time as I'll be seeing you soon”

Contributions from

FlashArry: Aries, Virgo, Sagittarius

deskpilot: Gemini

Sinnick: Cancer, Pisces

SteveB: Leo

www.newsbiscuit.com

Horoscopes for October, 2024, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Last month I wrote that you would be working from home in the future. My apologies. That should have read living in a home. I hope that is working out alright for you.

Taurus

Mathematicians spell this star sign as 'torus', which means that you are a doughnut. Yes, in so many ways, you are a doughnut. Maybe you should stop eating so many doughnuts. If you are American, you should stop eating donuts as well.

Gemini

In a world of round holes, you are a square peg. Perhaps you should consider some sort of prosthesis, or undergo reconstructive surgery ?

Cancer

Does haircut, chocolate and heavy machinery have any resonance with you?

Leo

Rumours of the Chuckle Brothers getting back together suggest that the rumour mills you subscribe to are faulty.

Virgo

A former colleague will contact you this week. The evidence has been found, and it proves you were right all along.

Libra

You will begin a new diet regime shortly. I understand it is known as 'Nil by Mouth’.

Scorpio

You will go on a long trip this month. May I suggest that you delay visiting the Grand Canyon till later in the year?

Sagittarius

You will get the 'hair dryer treatment' some time this month. Unfortunately, you will be standing behind an Easyjet plane at the time.

Capricorn

One day they'll make a movie about your life. You'd better get cracking if you want to make it interesting.

Aquarius

You will run into some money this month. Or rather an armoured truck will run into you.

Pisces

You will fall off your bike in front of a taxi. That delays the journey to the airport for the passenger who is a top-level virologist. The plane they intended to travel on is shot down. The scientist arrives at a high-level conference to deliver a groundbreaking speech that initiates a whole new approach to disease treatment. After ten years, the world is almost entirely free of disease. No-one will know it was down to your one small action. Therefore, let me extend my heartiest thanks on behalf of the planet. Good show, old bean.

Contributors:

@eskpilot3: Taurus

FlashArry: Gemini

SteveB: Virgo