Rishi Sunak announces HS3 with direct link to Rwanda

After cancelling the northern leg of the HS2 project, Rishi Sunak has just announced plans for an entirely new rail network that features a direct line to Rwanda. The plans released outline how the money saved on HS2 can fund this cross-continental, six thousand mile long railway. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister provided further information to the press:

‘We know there has been upset over the decision to not extend our previous rail project to the far north of England, but we hope this super-fast link to the close reaches of Central Africa will more than make up for it. We’re absolutely delighted with this announcement as we’ve seen demand for a viable transport option to Rwanda increase astronomically in the last few months. We can’t wait for people to be able to hop on a quick train there from London Waterloo, whether as a legal requirement or just for a nice holiday.’

Rail analysts quickly brought to light a glaring omission in the plans released earlier in the week - the infrastructure for a return journey back to the UK. Clive, a trainspotter from Dudley, was one of the first to spot this, and spoke about the revelation on a recent chat-show appearance:

‘I was staring at the plans on my iPad and thought to myself, sounds like a nice trip - but how on earth would me and the Mrs - should I ever meet a woman - get back? I couldn’t possibly think why they would want people to go to Rwanda and not return to the UK. It’s a massive oversight that makes me think HS3 might be the worst of the trilogy so far.’

10 Downing Street confirmed that the completion of HS3 is planned to be in conjunction with the 2050 Winter Olympics hosted by Rwanda.

Hat tip: Sinnick

Image: Martin_Winkler_Fotografie - Pixabay

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TransPennine trains to set off hours ahead of schedule so they won't be quite as shamefully late

'We admit that our record for punctuality is abjectly, toe-curlingly, hog-whimperingly bad,” a TransPennine Express spokeslocomotive told a rail users' meeting in Darlington station sidings.

'However, we are determined to try and make the figures look better, and that is why most our trains will now be setting off some hours before they were due to leave.

'From tomorrow, some 30 or 40% of our services will depart two or three hours earlier than scheduled, and another 20% four hours earlier.

'In that way, our passengers will probably still arrive late at their destinations, but at least we'll be able to say that they got there quicker than if they had walked, or crawled, the entire distance.

'And we may be running some services the previous day, to make up for the dozens of trains we’d cancelled.

“But we can’t say which particular trains will be setting off before their scheduled times of departure, because then we'd have given them a new official departure time - and we’d be right back where we'd started, wouldn’t we?

'Frankly, the best way of working with our new timetable is for all you passengers to turn up at the station approximately six hours before you plan to travel and then grab the first service that trundles your way.

“We realise that waiting six hours for a TransPennine train to appear is pretty much what you’ve been doing all along - but this way, we won’t have to pay out so much in compensation to you for the failings of our pitiful excuse for a railway service.'

Rugby League teams to receive 2 extra players under Levelling Up plans

Following the sad news that HS2 will stop at Watford Gap Rishi Sunak is to announce a bold new plan to level up the North by providing an additional two players per rugby team.

‘Look, we know that places with fifteen players per rugby team do well and places with only thirteen are grim hellholes with, you know, Greggs pasty shops and women pushing prams in their pyjamas. We’re going to transform these towns with twenty seven hundred billion pounds of Government money to provide two extra players per team’.

Economists agree that rugby union towns are more prosperous than league towns so the plan is economically valid, though some have questioned whether twenty seven hundred billion is an actual number.

Labour would like to announce a plan to level up the North but every time they say something Fiona Bruce asks them for a fully costed proposal, which kills the mood somewhat.

image from pixabay