In a surprise move, ICE agents have raided President Trump’s compound in Mar-a-Lago and led away his third wife Melania in handcuffs.
'A common way illegals try to stay in this country is through fake marriages,' explained new ICE recruit Dean Cain, best known for having played Superman on TV in the 90s. 'We’re pretty sure that’s what’s going on here.
'I’ve watched a lot of footage of them together, and I can’t see any evidence they feel anything for each other. It’s nearly as unconvincing as when Teri Hatcher had to pretend to be interested in me.
'We have evidence of numerous affairs on the husband’s part, not to mention his visits to Epstein Island, and God knows what went on there. And by God, I mean the Justice Department, though obviously you didn’t hear that from me - officially there’s not enough evidence to prove anything.'
Melania herself didn’t seem averse to being deported - indeed she surprised agents by having a suitcase already packed.Â
'Oh no,' she told them, 'you mean I’ll be sent home and never see him again? And just when my monthly conjugal obligations were coming up. Just my luck.'
'Frankly we’re also interested in the husband,' continued Officer Cain. 'We know his family’s originally from Germany, though at some point they changed their name from Drumpf to put us off the scent. So we’re gonna be looking into…
At this point he was led away by his supervisor, who was then overheard saying to him, 'Come on Cain, it’s just blacks and Hispanics - do I have to spell everything out for you?'
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The south-coast town of Walmington-on-Sea is being defended by a band of volunteers known as Dad’s Army, who patrol the beach in search of illegal immigrants arriving by boat. So far, the only boat they have apprehended belongs to a local fisherman, who was captured by the platoon, and forced to surrender his haddock.
The group's captain, George Mainwaring, spoke to reporters yesterday. 'We’re the last line of defence for this country,' he declared, tripping over a deckchair. 'The government may have radar, the navy, and the border force, but none of them has my organisational genius.' He then shot a seagull with an air rifle, in case it was an enemy reconnaissance drone.
His second-in-command, Arthur Wilson, gently murmured: 'Do you think that’s wise, sir?' before returning to his thermos flask of tea.
Chaos erupted when butcher Jack Jones spotted a lilo drifting ashore. 'Don’t panic! Don’t panic! They don’t like it up ’em!' he cried, charging at the inflatable with a bread knife. The lilo was later identified as belonging to a six-year-old local girl, who was not impressed when Jones tried to confiscate her armbands.
The platoon’s resident pessimist James Frazer surveyed the waves with a grim expression. 'We’re doomed! Doomed!' he insisted. 'If the immigrants don’t get us, the seagulls will!' Nobody contradicted him, mainly because it seemed plausible.
Charles Godfrey, the oldest member of the group, spent the morning politely asking if anyone had seen his slippers, before falling asleep in a deckchair, facing the wrong direction.
Dodgy dealer Joe Walker was busy flogging ‘genuine government-issue binoculars’, which he’d purloined from a local bird watching group. 'Best thing for spotting illegals, or peeping at girls sunbathing in bikinis,' he winked.
The youngest member of the group, Frank Pike, mistook a driftwood log for a submarine, but was quickly rebuked by Mainwaring, who snapped: 'You stupid boy!'
By sundown, Dad’s Army had successfully detained two Brummies in a pedalo, a stray dog, and a Mr Whippy van. The dog was later released, the Brummies are considering pressing charges, and the Mr Whippy van remains under armed guard.
Mainwaring hailed the mission a triumph: 'We have successfully defended our shores from threats both real and imagined. Mostly imagined.'
Local police later stated that Walmington-on-Sea has no record of migrant boats ever arriving there, possibly because the beach is mostly shingle and sewage outflow. They have asked the platoon to stand down, citing public nuisance laws.
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