Government could sue itself under ‘Minimum level of competence’ law

As wildcat government inaction brings much of the UK to a standstill, Tory barons have threatened to coordinate incompetence and corruption until their demands are met. Number 10 has vowed to press ahead with a controversial law that will make it illegal not to have a Conservative government.

Tory MPs who lose their seats at elections will be forced to continue working. The Labour benches will be filled by agency staff until shadow ministers agree to stop working too. The government will ensure a minimum level of incompetence by making it harder for the electorate to take action.

Speaking at a picket line outside Parliament, a Tory Donor who owns Conservatives everywhere said:

‘Enough is enough! My members haven’t had a pay cut since 1066, and we’re not about to have one now. We will refuse to stop screwing this country until the electorate agrees to get round the table and gives us what we want.’

Mick Lynch has not commented since he was bundled into a van at midnight.

Perfectionist's nightmares about in app game adverts being played appallingly

Janet Wright, a 19.44-year-old perfectionist from Worthing, has been waking up late at night with the sweats. She explained, 'Smartphone applications I use keep forcing adverts on me which are irritating enough in themselves, and they are for silly little games I have no intention of playing. What really grinds my gears though, is that sequences of the games feature them being played terribly by a complete incompetent. To present decision making as horrific as that, I can only imagine they engage the services of Conservative politicians.

'There's this particular one which features a fish gobbling up other fish with clear values attached to them. The imbecile playing keeps choosing the fish with the lower value, like they are Chancellor of the Exchequer. Oh, oh, and this other game where you have to fit shapes into other larger shapes... who did they get to play that one for the advert sequence? The Prime Minister?'

Image: DrMedYourRasenn | Pixabay

NHS deCoffeynated

.