Sound in the know by always saying: 'Insurance job'

Pub bores: Would you like to impress your dim-witted, dipsomaniac friends?

Just shake your head knowingly and mutter 'insurance job' whenever someone mentions a fire. You have no idea how worldly-wise you'll sound to yourself.

Practice with these examples:

Fire at a loss-making shopping centre in Scunthorpe - 'Tsk. Insurance job, I reckon.'

Fire which burns down Notre Dame cathedral - 'Tsk. Insurance job, I bet you.'

Fire which destroys a primary school in Gaza following an Israeli air strike - 'Tsk. Insurance job. Gotta be.'

Don't worry about your colleagues and acquaintances telling you what uninformed nonsense you're talking. They stopped listening to a word you say long ago.

However, with persistence, stoutly stating 'insurance job' in relation to any blaze you happen to hear about could land you a plum job with the Met Police CID.

You will then be able to spend your days making out that you have the inside dope on everything, while failing to solve a single crime for years on end.

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

Christian car insurance company excommunicates forgiveness clause

An insurance company for Christian drivers is no longer forgiving the sins of third parties due to incurring substantial losses.

Motor insurers ‘Faith Wheelers’ have notified future policy enquirers that their popular ‘forgiveness’ clause for third party accident involvement will no longer be in force.

The company attribute this change in policy as ‘similar to Paul’s transformation on the road to Damascus. Only St. Paul wasn’t rear-ended by a sinful Audi, losing millions paying for repairs’.

Broker Jacob Appletree, explained: “For thousands of years Faith Wheelers have offered believers motor insurance policies that act as the fiscal embodiment of Christ, in that we forgive sinners for their acts of idiotic driving, insofar as covering their repair costs.

“We have however been made aware of drivers with less than perfect vehicles taking advantage of our blessed nature and deliberately ramming into our flock for financial gain. That’s not how Christ works.

“The board of disciples and sharebelievers have reasoned that there once was a time and a place for loving your fellow driver as you would yourself, but it’s not f**king now. The third quarter outlook looks terrible and drastic measures have to be taken.

“Forgiveness is therefore suspended until motorkind starts respecting each other and the share price drives a holy dividend. So although we no longer forgive those that trespass against us, we hope and pray that God and His Underwriters will forgive us. Amen-d.”

image from pixabay