top of page
Search

Biden: Wales could invade Cornwall at any moment


ree

President Biden has said that an invasion of Cornwall by Wales could happen at 'any moment', and added that the US was ready to respond 'with a very angry email' should an invasion occur.


Cornwall has itself responded angrily to the suggestion, suggesting that the US should 'stay out of our tin mines'. Wales has also denied intending to invade Cornwall, despite a heavy build up of Welsh ramblers on the Cornish border.


Biden insists that a Cornish invasion is still 'very much possible' and that America will step in to secure Europe's pasty supply, sourcing pasties from Devon and Turkey if necessary.


In addition to a possible Welsh invasion of Cornwall, Biden has also warned that Norway could potentially invade Tierra del Fuego, 'literally any second now' and that India might start throwing eggs at Canada, 'just when no one is looking'. He has also advised that the town of Doncaster 'watch your backs, and keep an eye on Cheltenham, because those guys could just walk in, any time'.


image from pixabay

London Mayor insists Russian tanks will pay the congestion charge like everyone else


ree

Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has warned President Putin that if his tanks arrive in the UK shortly after demolishing Ukraine and the rest of Europe, he'll pay a heavy price.


'We're not just talking about increasing the service charge on the multi-million-pound apartments snapped up by filthy rich oligarchs. No, we're going to hit Putin where it hurts. His 50-ton tanks all run on diesel, so they'll be paying the full £15.00 charge a day. I can't see any proposed invasion of the UK lasting that long while it incurs significant levels of costs.


'I've also spoken to TFL and the unions to organise tube and bus strikes as soon as the tanks and soldiers reach London. They won't be able to bully Islington and Kensington into submission if they can't travel anywhere, will they? However, if they behave themselves and services are restored, we could issue them with Oyster cards. They'd then be able to take advantage of off-peak and discounted rates as we could classify them as being on work placement in the capital.'


image from pixabay

Russia: ‘We’ve been invited to a Christmas Party in Kiev’


ree

An increasing number of innocently whistling Russian troops are now stationed on the border with Ukraine. Russian government sources insist they are planning an invasion themed Christmas party and not an actual invasion.


A Russian army spokes-bear said ‘Don’t worry, it’s all socially distanced. Our 100,000 troops plus our tanks, artillery and snipers are all 2 metres from the border. We’re not 10 Downing Street and if Boris Johnson says invading Ukraine is a red line, he must be talking about Michael Gove cutting his cocaine with cranberry sauce. It’s surprisingly festive. Plus if his name is Boris, he probably works for us, know what I mean? Anyway, this will all be over by Christmas, so enjoy your gas supplies – for now.’






bottom of page