Apologising for things other people did “really easy”, King confirms

As he nears the end of his tour of the Caribbean, which has seen pressure on him regarding Britain’s involvement in the slave trade, King Charles remarked to an aide how easy it is to apologise for things you didn’t do in the first place.

”It’s an absolute piece of piss,” remarked the monarch. “I can’t think why one didn’t do it years ago.'

”I mean, one’s basically saying that someone else - maybe even the person who had one’s job at the time - was a very bad hat who did something ghastly. Clearly implying that one is a much better person than they were. What’s so difficult about that?'

He went on to say he’d be more than happy to apologise for anything else done by one of his predecessors.

'The famines in Ireland and Bengal, the Amritsar massacre, concentration camps during the Boer War… actually, you’d better put one down for Jack the Ripper too, he was probably a relative.'

'But that’s all safely in the past. It doesn’t mean one’s going to apologise for what that idiot Andrew got up to with that bloody New York financier … and neither of course is he.'

Trump tells Ireland's leaders to rename British Isles as Irish Isles

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King's speech to feature unprecedented honesty

Panic is rising in Westminster as it has become clear that the forthcoming King's speech will break with tradition and tell it how it is.

The monarch is normally expected to read out a text which has been agreed beforehand by civil servants and the royal staff.

But this year Charles has let it be known that he wants to deliver a more truthful assessment of the state of politics in his Kingdom.

A leaked excerpt from the speech reads:

'I wish to apologise to you, my subjects, that my governments, over the past few years, have fallen short of the standard expected by the British people. You deserve better. The highest positions of power in the country have been occupied by fools, corrupt chancers, narcissists and foreign agents. And those were the sane ones.'

Keir Starmer is reported to be asking for political asylum in China.

And Donald Trump has posted that he wants to Make England Great Again, or 'MEGA'. But not, he emphasised, by regaining its colonies in America. Maybe by invading Ireland, where they mostly speak English, so it would just be like Russia's special military operation in Ukraine.

Image credit: perchance.org