Elon Musk's accomplishments

Elon Musk has asked all US government employees (except the ones already on gardening leave) to list their accomplishments, or face the sack.

In an unusual act of reciprocity, Elon's office has set out his recent achievements, which are as follows:

  •  I got my dad to lend me million dollars to start a company - how many of you have done that, huh?

  •  I won a chainsaw from Argentina.

  •  I got everyone’s personal data from US government records – useful for the X algorithms

  •  I’m supporting far right parties in Europe, although I can’t remember why

  •  I blew up a number of SpaceX rockets to distract attention away from Jeff Bezos

  •  I’m working to save Twitter, by wrecking TikTok

  •  I will have a successful car company, if I can get tariffs imposed on my Chinese competitors

  •  I’m in good with Donald, which gets me favourable treatment on lots of things

  •  I’m promoting free speech on X, especially mine

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trump assigns Neil Patrick Harris Secretary for Health

As expected, Donald Trump this week made Neil Patrick Harris his Secretary for Health and Human services. In a long telegraphed appointment, Trump made good on his plan to put the award winning Broadway actor in charge of the country's fattening health. Citing Harris's extensive experience playing Doogie Howser, M.D., over four seasons from 1989 to 1993, Trump said Americans could rest assured Harris was overqualified to take on the burden of saving 325 million patients.

The then 16 year old Harris was so convincing as the prodigy teenage physician that members of the public would approach him in sneaker stores and ask his opinions of their suspicious moles and weird dry mouth symptoms. Harris became increasingly adept at spouting ad hoc diagnoses, to the point that he sounded like an actual jaded doctor. Thereafter the US public's confusion between act and reality settled into the same pattern it has in every other sphere that has led to what we are facing in 2025.

Observers believe Trump is trying to form a 'kitchen cabinet of geniuses.' He himself is an unarguably stable one; Harris/Howser, who possesses a genius intellect and photographic memory, is now at Health; Musk, the tech Leonardo, is in charge of the 1930s revival; Marilyn Vos Savant, with an IQ of 228 (look her up), will be put in charge of regulating the diet coke industry; while Simon Jordan will be tasked with frightening off the Houthis.

Bill Gates, however, is out. 'Bill was just too Epsteiny.' Gates, whose wife famously divorced him after she found out that the public had found out about his weekends on Eppy Isle, believes his chance will arise should there be a second pandemic. 'Bill's hopes rest solely on something apocalyptic emerging from China. He actually prays for it.' Meanwhile Trump is set to hire Jeff Bezos to handle the indigenous peoples threat from the Amazon.

Image: WixAI

You’ve Got Mail 2: History Repeats Itself

The romantic comedy movie You’ve Got Mail is getting a sequel, after almost thirty years. The original film is much loved and is still frequently viewed on streaming services.

In the 1998 film a small bookshop, run by Meg Ryan, is put out of business by an all consuming chain of book superstores run by Tom Hanks. The message of the film is to accept change and move with the times. Meg Ryan is forced to close her bookshop and, after being comprehensively catfished by Tom Hanks over email, finally accepts her fate, and hooks up with him.

Tom Hanks has been offered a role in the sequel and is said to be considering it. But Meg Ryan is out of the running and industry insiders say that Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg could take the role of the villain this time.

In the remake, Tom Hanks’ superstore chain Fox Books is put out of business by the all consuming internet, run by Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg. The message of the film is to accept change and move with the times, blah blah blah.

Critics worry that the romantic tension of the original film could easily be lost in the remake, with some believing that neither Jeff Bezos nor Mark Zuckerberg are 'hot enough' for the role.

Image: geralt - Pixabay