Sky wins Easter Week TV contract

The final few days in the life of Jesus Christ and His resurrection will be shown exclusively on Sky this year, it has been announced.

The broadcaster beat off rival bids from Channel 4 and a consortium of the Catholic Church and Amazon Prime, ending over 2000 years of free-to-air coverage of the showcase religious event.

'After our previous unsuccessful forays into religious programming, this really is our second coming', announced Sky's Head of Programmes, Mike McBride.

'We've revamped the traditional Holy Week format, starting a couple of days ago with a reality show called Set Him Free where viewers got to choose whether to release either Jesus or some common robber.

‘Audiences loved Pontius Pilate as host, with regular cutaways to King Herod for his instant reaction on developments', continued McBride.

The traditional quiet period before the Last Supper on Thursday will be replaced with rolling news coverage, and a range of programming tie-ins.

‘The Road to Calvary’ will revisit key moments in Jesus' life, featuring ‘talking head’ insights from Mary Magdalene, Doubting Thomas, and Stephen Mulhern.

‘The Gospel Truth’ will follow four unknown writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as they struggle and complete their first fictional novel, with Richard Osman narrating.

‘Jesus’s death will become a Sky Box Office event, but we’re moving it 9 pm to avoid a clash with the 3pm St Helens v Wigan Rugby League match', explained McBride.

'We're also revamping the rolling away of the tombstone on Easter Sunday. Joseph of Arimathea will now compete with the best of the rest in a series of events to see who will be crowned Jerusalem's Strongest Man'.

Image: Pixabay/geralt

How the Messiah got his name

Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch

A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.

Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'

When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'

Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.

'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'

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