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Details emerged today of a hastily convened meeting of Republican strategists, following the news that Trump had been shot at a Pennsylvania rally.
The meeting, held before they had any details of how badly Trump was hurt, was aimed at deciding whether in the event he had been killed, they necessarily needed a new candidate.
”I say we stick with him,” said top party official Dick Wad. “I can’t imagine being dead would dent his popularity too much among his fans. And he’d have the martyrdom thing going for him, am I right?
”Besides, so much of modern politics is not saying the wrong thing - don’t call Zelensky ‘Putin’, don’t confuse your opponent with your running mate… a candidate who could never say anything at all might be a plus. And unlike the Dems with Biden, we’d know he won’t get any worse over the next four years, given proper embalming and refrigeration.”
”I agree,” said his colleague Traylor Trash. “Given all the other things we’re overlooking about him, being dead is relatively trivial. And the women working around him would certainly feel safer, knowing they wouldn’t be groped on a daily basis.”
They then discussed whether there was any constitutional bar to a dead man running for president, and were reassured to find that, rather like a convicted felon running for president, the founding fathers didn’t explicitly forbid it since they never in their wildest dreams imagined it would happen.
”And if anyone objects, we can always argue that the medical definition of death is brain death, and in that respect he’s no worse than in 2016 or 2020. Besides, the Dems won’t dare call for him to be scanned for brain activity, for fear we’d do the same about Biden.”
STOP PRESS: Doctors report that Trump is unharmed, as the bullet passed right through the middle of his skull without hitting any vital organs
What we need now more than ever is new laws to stop people getting their hands on um those, bang-bang weapons, ’ declared Joe Biden in a press conference this morning. ‘In the wrong hands these, er bullet-pointers cause far more misery than they prevent. That’s why I telephoned Former Ex President er Crumpet and asked him to support my plans to curtail those, er stick ‘em up machines which so many of my fellow Americans conceal in plain sight.
But former president Trump said he respected his assassin’s right to change world history by trying to kill him. ‘It’s everyone’s democratic right to try and shoot the president, Archduke or prime minister using the firearm of his or her choice, only to die in a hail of bullets fired by men who look like they belong in a Blues Brothers movie except for the hats. Whatever happened to hats, by the way? First thing I’m going to do when I become president is to make a law saying my Secret Service detail has to wear hats, except in the Opal Fruit office.’
Meanwhile a spokesperson for the US Secret Service said ‘How in hell did you find out about us? We’re supposed to be totally confidential! And sure we knew about the Crooks guy, we just thought he was gonna miss, that’s all. And frankly he very nearly did. And the ear thing never hurt that Dutch guy. Well I guess it did hurt him but not for that long. These things heal. Anyway it made him famous so what’s not to like?
President Biden later added ‘Shooty sticks is wrong. ‘Guts! No, that’s not right…Er gubs? No that was in a Woody Allen movie. Apparently the guy married his own sister. What is America coming to? What’s needed is a strong fearless President who can shoot straight and do the talking afterwards….Me?... You think so? Aw shucks, you’re just saying that. Well if you’re sure. Wait a minute: Putin! That’s the guy. Not the other guy.’
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