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John Healey 'considering resignation' over John Healey's budget

Writer: stewartbarclay
stewartbarclay
Aug 31

Chancellor of the Exchequer John Healey has enraged Secretary of Defence John Healey by refusing to raise defence spending to 3% of GDP.


Healey's offices clarified - again - that Dennis Healey died in 2015, before issuing parallel statements:


'I cannot support my own policy that I completely support. Therefore I must resign in an attempt to force my own resignation thus supporting whatever it was. If that doesn't work, I'll try the opposite. Sorry, what was the question?'


'Look, there's only enough money in the defence budget for me to buy a knife so that I can stick in my own back.'




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New Chancellor announces plan to tax mud

Writer: MartinH
MartinH
Jul 25

John Healey's first announcement as Chancellor is that he is introducing a tax on mud.


A statement explained, 'I have long been concerned by the inequality of mud throughout the UK, the wealthy have a lot of it and those in the margins of society have very little. To tax people on the amount of mud they own is an innovative and socialist policy which will deliver exactly the sort of wealth distribution this country needs.


'Further, in my time as defence Secretary, I saw that the Army has an awful lot of mud, and rolling around in it is a core part of basic training for our world class soldiers. The tax the Army pays on all its mud will go a long way to help us fund the NATO defence spending target of 5% of GDP.'


Kemi Badenoch retort was written in mud. 'This is yet another socialist policy aimed at stifling commercial research and development. We have a great innovation culture in this country founded on the principle of throwing mud at a wall and seeing what sticks. Any policy which drives up costs is bad for business and my Tory voting constituents.'


Tax advisor Ivor Lottagold said 'This will inevitably lead to the wealthy moving their mud offshore. The obvious choice of this is the Isle of Man which could ultimately see itself becoming part of the mainland.


Thames Water has approached the Government for clarification that poo does not constitute mud. A spokesman for DEFRA said 'Thames Water does indeed have a lot of poo, despite its unsuccessful plan of trying to hide it all in the Thames. Further, if poo were classed as mud under the new tax, then the renationalisation of Thames Water would be prohibitively expensive.'


'It would really muddy the waters.'




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