Staunch republican forced to take two extra days off work

Gary Rogers, of Swindon has been labelled a hypocrite, a sell-out and a closet-royalist by friends and family alike, after admitting he's secretly looking forward to the 4 day Jubilee weekend.

Rogers, 55, a site foreman, has spent the best part of 40 years telling anyone who'd listen, and very often those who wouldn't, that the Royals are “just a bunch of parasites” and "we'd be better off without them, especially that Queen".

He would then launch into a well-rehearsed rant about how her kids, grandkids and the whole entourage were just “a bunch of nonces and skivers, sponging off the State”, and how we should “put them all up against a wall.”

He told our reporter, “I really wanted to go into work today but they wouldn't let me. The place is all closed up 'til Monday. Bloody Royals!”

United Kingdom London Changing Of - Free photo on Pixabay

99% of Jubilee will be speculation about the Queen's health

While Elizabeth II thinks her loyal subjects are celebrating her reign, the majority will be turning her impending death into an office sweepstake. With households replacing bunting with copies of a DNR order.

One Royal watcher confirmed: 'All conversations may start differently but they all end with 'she doesn't have long left'.' Bookies have ceased taking bets on when she will die, only how she will die - with Charles, in the ballroom with the candlestick 2/1.

Instead of the Red Arrows, vultures will fly overheard. The only pyrotechnics will be from the crematorium. And the trooping of the guard will feature a hearse, a floral tribute to 'Maj' and the biggest hole since Andrew's pizza alibi.

Britain British Elizabeth - Free vector graphic on Pixabay

Government to rely on party donors to help with Jubilee bunting shortage

Retailers are reporting a shortage of bunting ahead of the Queen's Platinum Jubilee festivities. The shortage appears due to the government buying up all the flags on the market to decorate No.10 with for the lockdown parties. Whilst some retailers have suggested that revellers could get their children to make some, the cost of printer ink is a deterrent. Grandparents Alf and Ada Higgins told us "We thought it would be a nice thing for the grandkids to do over the half term holiday and went to buy some printer ink, but there was no way we could run to those prices on our pensions and be able to afford a crate of brown ale to toast Her Majesty with as well. Tory donors have offered to help however, saying they can always be relied on in an emergency to order goods for government use. Pig farmers, ferry companies and fishermen have already stepped up to the plate.

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