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An elderly man suspected of suffering from dementia and anal leakage, was seen tending the chip fryer in a MacDonalds branch. A spokesbeing for MacDonalds acknowledged they are embarrassed by the incident and said they are investigating how the man managed to bypass their strict security rules.


“'t isn’t just the risk this dickhead posed to our customers, there would have been hell to pay if he had fallen into the deep fat fryer. You’ve no idea what it costs these day to run one of them, or whether an untrained idiot was working in the system and putting too much MSG on the fries.


'We can cope with migrant workers falling into the chip fryers, because we can pass them off as chicken nuggets, but this guy had posh shoes on, so we know someone might come looking for him.


'We have to run a tight ship in the fast food business; and every cent counts. We can’t have daft old fools causing us grief with our shareholders over the profit margins; and goodness knows how many customers he will have scared away.'


Photo by Road Ahead on Unsplash



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The billionaire owner of the social media site previously known as Prince, has decided to offer swing state voters $1m to overlook Trump's combover. Lobbyists are furious that he has undermined democracy, as that was their job: 'He's doing it all wrong, you're supposed to bribe the politicians. If we start bribing the voters, they might actually benefit for once.' When asked, most voters took a jaundiced view of the election: 'It's all a scam, but at least this way we get a cut.'


The $1m lottery means there is a remote chance of voters getting rich, as opposed to when Trump gets elected, where there is zero chance. Under American election law it is illegal to pay for votes, although ironically American voters have been paying for theirs for the last 200 years.


By contrast, Harris has refused to bribe voters with anything they might want. Her spokeswoman insisted: 'There's no need for lobbyists to pay voters - when politicians are so cheap.'


Photo by Rosie Kerr on Unsplash


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Multi billionaire and massive baby Elon Musk has denied that his hair style is in fact a result of his head being flushed down the toilet by some bigger boys who ran away. As he was the victim of a bathroom-based crime, Musk has blamed trans people for his plight.


Musk announced he would go and live on Mars if Kamala Harris was elected, which led to a massive upsurge in donations to her campaign.


A statement read 'My diamond slippers are too tight. This is because the nasty Democrats think I should pay something called "tax". Clearly I should not have to pay any "tax". Donald says I don't have to, tax is for schmucks like you. Huge, if true.'


'I liked Twitter so much, I bought the company. But like any woman I date, it’s now an X.'


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