Keir Starmer features in NewsBiscuit panto

Is it a cold, superflu, or Covid?

Covid, flu and colds share many of the same symptoms, so telling them apart can be difficult. Here is our handy guide to what you’ve got:

• You need a day off for Christmas shopping – it’s a cold

• You need a week off for a break in the sun – it’s flu (unless you’ve already used that excuse, in which case it’s Covid)

• You need to get out of drinks with the awful people up the street – it’s a cold (although if you tell them it’s herpes, then you might get out of next year's event as well)

• You are Lando Norris – it’s all three, but you won the F1 championship anyway

• You are the PM – it’s Covid, and it’s all the fault of the previous Tory government

• You are Rachel Reeves – it’s none of these trivial illnesses. It’s probably the Black Death or psittacosis

• You are Michael Jackson – it’s monkeypox

• You are waiting in A&E – it’s all three, plus a bonus Hospital Acquired Infection

• You are an England cricketer – it’s none of the above, unfortunately. Maybe do some more practice?

Image credit: deep dream generator

Ukraine plot twist - it was all a dream

Keir Starmer and President Zelensky have agreed to use the Pam Ewing peace plan. With this plan, Russia withdraws to its borders, the last 50 years never happened, and Bobby Ewing becomes head of NATO.

Continuity-wise, this means erasing the Putin storyline, but Zelenskyy said he has no problem with that. The entire misstep of the provoking the Russians will be put down too much cheese the night before. The fever dream will allow the show to run for another season-at least until winter kicks in.

Critics have said that the Pam Dream Plan is not plausible, but supporters point out that neither was a Ukraine victory. Some say it is not canon, but Zelenskyy is not very keen on any kind of canon. Meanwhile, the Trump Peace Plan will be repurposed for the EastEnders Xmas special, where everyone dies.

Image credit: Stable Diffusion