New Homelessness Minister is the Big Bad Wolf

Keir Starmer said there was no conflict of interest with Mr.Wolf's private house blowing business. The PM confirmed that Mr. Wolf had his full backing and was not due to lobbying from the Anti-Pig League.

The new Minister reiterated his commitment to ending homelessness: 'I'll be reducing their numbers to zero by a one in one out policy. For every person made homeless, I eat one. Simple.' Labour are said to be keen to apply the same scheme to NHS waiting lists.

Starmer's corruption and hypocrisy has gone unchecked, admitted one journalist: 'We'll huff and puff but won't say anything.' Meanwhile Mr. Wolf has approved plans for 4 million new affordable homes - all of them straw.

Image: Wix AI

First figures detained under Weather House 'one in, one out' deal

A man with an umbrella has been detained in the UK's new 'one in, one out' deal with German weather houses. This has allowed a woman in a frilly skirt carrying a basket of flowers to emerge from the building.

The Met Office said those detained will be held under house arrest until the the weather changes again.

Home Secretary Yvette Cooper did not confirm how many men with umbrellas were being held, and said she was prepared to resist any legal challenges aimed at preventing their detention.

She said: 'It's the beginning of the pilot and we will turn our attention to cuckoo clocks, and those timepieces with figures like those on Trumpton, and Warmington -On-Sea Town Halls.'

Speaking about the first detentions, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said: 'If you bring bad weather with you, you will face being sent back inside. When I say I will stop at nothing to secure our nice weather, I mean it.'

Image: Wix AI

Allotments to be sold to settler colonialists

Councils are to be given permission to eject people from their rightful land. Allotments will be cleansed of anyone with green fingers. Keir Starmer refused to admit where he got the idea from, but he did say God told him to do it.

The 185 members of the UN has condemned the move, but the US vetoed it, saying all gardeners were terrorists. Meanwhile, allotment owners have referred to it as the Cucumber Nakba - chanting 'Free allotments, from the rhubard to the seed'.

Image: Kenan Kitchen (@kitchen) | Unsplash Photo Community