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Starmer to join Reform


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A spokesman for the Prime Minister has provided a press release confirming that the PM will be joining Reform 'sometime soon, probably before the next election.'  He said Starmer had paid Nigel Farage for membership already, apparently they were next to each other waiting to vote on something and Farage accepted £23 'for cash'.  The PM, apparently had been waiting for an opportunity to do it, but never seemed to catch the Reform leader in the House of Commons that often and despite travelling a lot, couldn't match Farage's travel plans.


'He doesn't agree with Reform's policies, such as they are,' the spokesman said, 'but he liked the idea of not having to turn up for work much, getting away with bare-faced lying and is yet to be approached by Russia for an off-the-books contract just for saying words that aren't hurty to Putin,' he added.  Apparently his work ethic might be an issue, he's only ever held one job at a time, let alone 12 or 13, and has an unfortunate habit of not copying whatever Trump, for example, says.  'I'm sure it's just a training issue,' said the spokesman, agreeing that Farage is unlikely to be arsed providing it.


Urgent Update:  The spokesman for the Prime Minister has apologised for issuing a press release produced using AI.  'Apparently the AI language models aren't fully up to speed yet and the one an aide used has been trained largely on satirical websites,' he said.  So that's alright then, as you were and don't believe press releases.  Especially if they use NewsBiscuit to train on.  Tsk.

Starmer 'forgot' he was supposed to be a cult leader

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'To be honest, he thought it was a typo originally, and therefore considered he was doing ok,' said a spokesman when asked why Labour hadn't followed the other parties down the cult route started by Johnson with his three word slogans and industrial scale grift.


'Wacky hairstyles can be a good sign of being a cult, look at Argentina's leader,' pointed out the spokesman.  'Wielding a chainsaw helps, too,' he added.


The main feature of cults is that they rarely exist if and when the leader of the cult is no longer available.


'Do you think "Your Party" will be around long if Jeremy Corbyn retires?  Or worse, gets a daytime TV slot presenting Ground Force?' asked a political expert with more than twenty followers on Twitter, also known as 'Why'.


'Will the Republicans continue if Trump loses his marbles?' he asked, putting a hand up to his ear.  'I might have to get back to you on that one,' he said.


'What chance of Reform continuing if Nigel Farage gets offered the multi-million evening talk show on Fox in the US?  Or someone finds out why he said the same things Nathan Gill said for the Russian's roubles, but only apparently for free?  Or if anyone goes remotely into that Clacton house purchase? Put it this way, insiders believe he's already bought shares in a sack making company, with sacks big enough for rats to fight in.  I'd suggest investing in popcorn manufacturing as well,' he added.


'And what about the Greens?  Zack Polanski is driving up the membership and is in touching distance of appearing on Laura Kuenssberg to be talked over.  If he decided to go back to hypnotising women to believe they can think their boobs bigger, where will the greens be?


'Ed Davey might be replaceable for the Lib Dems, but who wants to risk life and limb representing them?'


'So that only leaves Labour and as was pointed out, they forgot to elect a cult leader, which makes them a boring outlier in today's British politics and may condemn them to still being here in four years time,' said the expert.


'The Conservatives?  The people who replaced their cult leader with Truss, Sunak and now Badenoch?  Have you seen the party conference?  No, for them it was definitely a typo!'




Man actually looking forward to Starmer’s speech

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It was revealed today that a man is genuinely looking forward to Sir Keir Starmer’s party conference speech this afternoon.


Colin Sawdust of Oswestry already has a blank tape in his VHS (he doesn’t hold with these modern DVD players) to record the speech, which he expects to find very moving.


“I just love the way he combines a sober, realistic and wide-ranging analysis of the problems Britain faces in the medium term, with a reasonable and measured series of proposals designed to address those problems. Ooh, I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it...


“I especially like when he pauses after what he thinks is a brilliant rhetorical flourish, and there’s an awkward silence followed by polite golf applause when people realise they were meant to clap.”


Sawdust, who is Deputy Head of Acquisitions at Oswestry’s Museum of Gravel, says that boring people like himself are often underestimated.


”For example, I suspect I got this job mostly because the people who interviewed me felt bad about falling asleep while I was talking.”



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