'It's the best Christmas gift ever!' cried Sharon from Uttoxeter, brandishing a dinky bottle of Babycham in the middle of London's Trafalgar Square, which was packed with people rejoicing at Keir Starmer's sudden escape from the UK.
''I've been keeping this bottle specially for the occasion,' giggled Sharon.
'For six months solid, the Starmerist regime has been boring us all to tears. It's been torture. Now, at last, life might get remotely interesting.'
Sir Keir was last seen at Gatwick airport on Saturday night, buying non-alcoholic grape juice from Duty Free before catching an Easyjet flight to Brussels. At one point, his plane disappeared from the radar screens and was thought to have crashed, but it turned out the radars considered the flight too tedious to follow.
'Belgium has always been a haven for very insipid people,' said Piers Nondescript, a researcher at the Institute for the Crushingly Dull. 'Sir Keir will fit right in to life there, regulating paperclips or the like.'
Starmer's position as the brutally bland head of Britain's government started looking rocky after two massively uninteresting political scandals - one involving someone buying him a new pair of spectacles and the other about one of his ministers pretending to lose a phone.
'I think this drove people to the brink,' continued Dr Nondescript. 'After Brexit, Boris and Truss they'd got used to a rich diet of chaos and total failure. They just couldn't stand any more of Starmer's unrelenting tedium.'
'You look at things in Syria,' screeched Sharon, spilling most of her sickly-sweet sparkling pear drink down her blouse, "and you think nothing that exciting could ever happen in Britain.
'But now it has! The pound could crash and the FTSE could go to zero because of all the political turmoil, but I don't care. We're free of the grey mildew of Starmer's rule!'
Sterling fell by eighty cents against the dollar on news that Angela Rayner might take over as PM.
"Storms Bert and Darragh have been harrowing events," said a visibly anxious spokesman for the Met Office.
"Many of you took them rather lightly and drove your cars or went sailing in the high winds. That might be because of the silly names we gave them.
"However, no one should underestimate the horrendous impact that the next big weather event is likely to have.
"We warn everyone in the UK to stock up on good books and gin so they can endure 'Dull Day Keir'.
"We forecast it will be the most dreary, dismal, slate-grey weather on record since the Major administration.
"The Met Office has put in place an alert system ìn which a cuckoo that you never knew was in there emerges from a clock in your home once every hour, setting 'milestones' and 'foundation stones' for a little less drizzle later on.
"Needless to say, the cuckoo will be lying, but only to take your mind off the unremitting gloom of living through these twenty-four hours.
"We have already warned NHS hospital trusts to free up beds in intensive care wards to treat a surge of people who have chewed their arms off to try and alleviate the appalling tedium of the day.
"To try and get through Dull Day Keir, please remember this slogan: 'Stay Home, Stay Safe, Kick yourselves hard for voting someone this unutterably boring into power'.
"Good luck, everyone."