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Why the winter fuel payment was scrapped

The Leader of the House of Commons has defended the scrapping of the winter fuel payment:-


“If we had not used this to get to grips with the public finances deficit, there would have been a run on the pound, the economy would crash, Putin would spot a weakness and invade, the resultant nuclear war would kill all life on earth, knock the Earth out of its’ orbit and make it spiral into the sun.


And all because a handful of whinging greedy coffin dodgers can’t be arsed to dress sensibly and cut down on the weekly Waitrose shopping. Do they not realise the sacrifices others are making? Our beloved leader Kim Jong Starmer has given up his summer holiday! Whereas I, whereas I......


Anyway a lot of them won’t realise anything different as they can’t afford TV licences. And the next general election is nearly five years away. Long enough for the issue to ‘die down’ – most likely from hypothermia”





Starmer to cancel tax increase by selling his 3 Oasis tickets

Government sources are suggesting the Prime Minister may resell his three Oasis tickets in an attempt to plug the Government’s 22 billion pound financial blackhole heading off the need for tax rises in the October budget.


As dynamic pricing has inflated Oasis ticket prices to more than the cost of renewing Trident and the because the Prime Minister’s wife prefers Megadeth, Sir Keir is open to offers for the tickets.


The Prime Minister was looking forward to the gig at Heaton Park. Staring at a crowd of bucket hats makes a welcome change from staring at a crowd of bucket heads on the opposition back benches.


Dynamic pricing of Oasis tickets means the Gallagher brothers stand to make substantial earnings from their performances next year. This is all a far cry from their impoverished early lives in Manchester. The extortionately high ticket prices will, however, provide a lucky opportunity for thousands of fans in Manchester to experience the brothers’ early life for themselves now.





Labour Ministers spend £1bn on High-Vis jackets



With echoes of the scandal surrounding Covid PPE contracts, millions have been squandered trying to make Keir Starmer look like Bob the Builder. Rumour has it that the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has a luminous vest made by Christian Dior and wellies made by Ugg.


No minister is permitted to appear on camera without an obligatory hard hat and a confused look, when ever offered a hammer. Yet no one has pointed out that wearing High-Vis and a suit just looks like you cannot be trusted to eat soup without spilling it.


One Minister defended the decision. 'Some have said we cannot boost the economy with austerity, but certain industries are booming. Take the hi vis jacket manufacturing sector, they're raking it in.'


Photo by John Kakuk on Unsplash

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