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A spokesperson for number 10 has confirmed that the Prime Minister needs to accept bespoke suits, frocks for Mrs Starmer and mega-expensive glasses to reduce the security risks.


'If the Prime Minister was to use Specsavers then we would have to clear out the whole store and fill it with security personnel at huge costs to the taxpayer,' he said, explaining the rationale was the same as using a gifted box at Arsenal instead of clearing the whole of the home stands and filling them with security.


'And buying suits from M&S would be impossible, what with the Reform demographic shopping there.  We'd have to clear the store, Primark next door and half the security detail insist they'd have to stake out the Ann Summers' shop across the road just in case,' he added.


He denied Mrs Starmers' frocks were purely security concern related.  'The Chancellor has saved so much taking the Winter Fuel Allowance off pensioners she felt the PM was due a bonus.  Unfortunately, her idea of buying him football tickets, new suits or designer glasses were no-go, so she bought his missus a few fancy frocks instead,' he said.


Picture credit: Wix AI


As everyone expected, the current government is starting to achieve some initial scandals and policy mistakes. Being not used to this kind of corrupting power, they should be given a reasonable amount of time before they get fully into it, maybe even allow for the Conservative debacles to quieten down so they are not compared too much with them. They really did set a really low standard and that will be hard to beat.


Some early personal tax shenanigans by Angela Raynor are pretty lame compared with Nadhim Zahawi rocking up with his seven figure settlement.


They seem to intend to not increase certain taxes as outlined in their manifesto…..they should be pulling a full Johnson and breaking that pledge like a de Pfeffel wedding vow.


Keir Starmer himself should be leading the way, failing to declare gifts properly from a donor is noob stuff - aim for lavish holidays, stupid wallpaper and golden drinks trollies.


If you are going to exploit renters, don’t have a middleman to blame, get in there painting over that mould yourself whilst threatening eviction at the slightest complaint and own it.


If you want to kill old people, don’t just take £300 off them, do it properly and feed care homes with infected pensioners and get those bodies piling up.


We want to see some proper good old-fashioned systemic bullying, not just psychological stuff. There doesn’t seem to be a single known sexual predator in a senior role. This is basic stuff Keir - get it sorted. We got used to professionals, and we won’t stand for anything less.


Picture credit: Wix AI

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