'Don't know why we lost' says annoying prick

The Prime Minister seemed genuinely surprised that his party had  picked up less votes than a UK Eurovision Entry. 'It's almost as people hate what we have done,' he remarked as he strangled a puppy and threw it onto his pile of other dead puppies. 'But our policies make lives better,' he quipped as he shot a passing Nun and drop kicked an owl.

With all the lack of self reflection of a vampire, the PM doubled down on his austerity/genocide vibe. 'Voters adore a sanctimonious authoritarian, who is constantly on the take and is a compulsive liar to boot,' he said as he casually hit a wheel chair with mallet. 'I'm like that line manager who insists everyone works weekends, while embezzling the staff pensions - who doesn't love that guy?

'Anyway,' he snorted, as he set fire to an orphanage. 'They say you get beaten by Farage twice in your careeer, once on the way up...'

'Community Snipers' to be deployed against litterbugs

Keir Starmer has declared war on littering. His first salvo is an announcement that vehicles involved in fly-tipping would be crushed – occupied or not.

'Up to them, innit', he told reporters before taking a drag on his Marlboro. 'Best be quick though, them electromagnets can lift a jam about eighty feet in the air faster than you can shit yerself'.

Other measures against litterers include 'community snipers', paid on a bounty basis.

'Stands to reason dunnit', said the Prime Minister. 'We can use special forces or make it a genuine community affair and train little old ladies. Maybe get a brass band along, organise a Summer Fete, Morris dancers, that sort of thing. As long as the scumbags get the message, I don't care who pulls the f*cking trigger'.

When asked whether he was consciously trying to toughen up his image to stave off the threat from Reform, Starmer reacted angrily.

'Listen you slaag, we've tried playing nicely and the streets are full of shit. What do you want me to do, send 'em to Bruges first? Look at the swans and the canals? If that was me, if I'd dropped a used coke can in the street I'd top myself, on the spot. Crushing's too good for 'em'.

Community groups have expressed some reservations about the policy. The National Trust have pointed out that 'corpses are litter, too', the British Brass Band Association flat refuse to work with Morris dancers after that fiasco in Coventry and the Women's Institute have asked where they can sign up for training.

Image: WixAI

MPS reject offer of time and a half wages for working last Saturday

MPs are insisting that the time and a half payment for Saturday work, they found written on this week’s pay packet is derisory; and unless it’s made up to double time, they won’t turn up on Saturdays again for the foreseeable future, even if Russia invades.

A now, non-existent, transgender spokesbeing for the MPs' union told Newsbiscuit “This is a complete mockery of what our members expected from the Labour Party; and the Tory faction of our membership in particular, feel completely betrayed in allowing them to take over government,”

image from pixabay