30p Lee demands a name change

Lee Anderson MP has demanded that people stop referring to him as 30p Lee and have his nickname index linked to inflation.

“It was fair enough when I proved that a family of 172 could hire a professional chef and give him fifty quid to spend on the food if he was prepared to cook it for free using a tinfoil solar cooker on 19 July 2022 at Coningsby, Lincolnshire, but I had to get him pissed first; and with the increased tax on alcohol, plus all the food inflation, clearly this is no longer possible. I have today written to every newspaper asking them to desist from calling me 30p Lee and instead regularly update the amount by whatever the ONS says the Consumer Price Index reckons it should be.”

A spokesgrunt for Mr Anderson told Newsbiscuit he was unable to suggest a precise amount, but guessed it ought to be at least 45.7p by now, however he’d need to terminate our conversation because he needed to apply more ointment to his knuckles.

image from pixabay

Lee Anderson's family horrified at prospect of spending more time with him

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Tory charm offensive '50% successful' claims spokesman

'We've been working on a long-game strategy, building a charm offensive,' said a Conservative spokesman today.  'Lee Anderson, obviously was our secret weapon,' he said to surprised journalists.  'Everyone agrees he's a weapon, so that's halfway there,' he added.  'Victoria Atkins, obviously is a new secret weapon, replacing a long Conservative tradition of fielding weapons as Health Secretary.  We think Gillian Keegan has demonstrated enough natural weaponry to justify being seconded to the MoD for weapon trials,' he crowed.

'So, our charm offensive is well on the way to 50% success,' he said.  'Practically everyone considers us offensive, we've just got to try and work out how to bring charm to the table,' he added.

Image: Newsbiscuit