Date of Christmas to be moved to July says 'Common Sense Tsarina'

Esther McVey has announced she will be putting a Bill before Parliament to revoke the date of Christmas week from December to July.

"It makes sense", she declared. "Why hold a festival during the darkest time of the year. The kids will be off school anyway; so no problems there. The weather has a better chance of being fine and they can play outside on their new bikes. People could even have barbecues just like they do in Australia".

A Lib Dem spokesperson commented, "Doesn't make we'll still have travel chaos".

When asked for comment, Keir Starmer's office responded that he was a tad busy at the moment because he was having a long poo and didn't want to be disturbed.

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"Wow! Thanks, Keir", say LibDems

Lib Dem conference 'now needs a second trestle table'

At their party conference, Liberal Democrats have been working out the implications of a post-Tory electoral landscape - including electoral relevance.

Lib Dem volunteer Amy Armstrong said, 'As Keir Starmer is basically a compassionate Conservative these days, the Liberal Democrats are the furthest left of all mainstream parties. We've got a £5bn-a-year care free social plan, making Ed Davey a whimsical Che Guevara.'

'What if we actually get lots of MPs? It means we might need to pay the restaurant a deposit for our Christmas meal. If we organise a nice day out sailing, we're gonna need a bigger boat.'

'If we go mainstream, will our hardcore fans prefer our early stuff? So much admin. I almost preferred it when we were shit. Hopefully we don't Nick Clegg it up again.'