The lazy man’s guide to Middle East diplomacy

You know when you’re a political leader, or senior Government figure, and the Middle East kicks off yet again, how do you diplomatically approach the situation without busting a gut. It’s always useful to know a few lazy hacks. (see Tabloid Journalists)

Shuttle Diplomacy

Began in the early 1970s with Henry Kissinger, who, it is said, got the idea after a to and fro game of badminton. The latest exponent of this dexterous art is Anthony Blinken you’ll miss him. Essentially fly to one region, spend as little time as possible in talks with the stakeholder (see Platitudes and Buzz Words) as you can get away with, then fly to the next region, rinse and repeat. (Tip: Try and include the UAE. That Duty Free at Dubai is really something.) By the time you’ve done this several times you will receive enormous plaudits for your efforts, and, as a bonus, have substantially built up your air miles.

Direct Communication

If you do have to speak to any of the warring factions directly by phone, keep the conversation to family or the weather and don’t mention the war. If it looks as though you may be called upon for direct support rustle a paper bag, apologise and tell them they’re breaking up.

Platitudes and Buzz Words

Much of the diplomatic dark arts revolves around talking a lot but saying very little so as not to offend. There are certain words and phrases that are mandatory for this to work. Calling for a ceasefire is a sure fire winner. You sound like a peace maker and the risk of upset to any of the combatants is minimal. Mention a two state solution. Doesn’t matter if you haven’t got the faintest idea how that might be accomplished, just say it. You will also need some variation of ‘I call on all sides pull back from the brink’ in your arsenal. (Tip: You could also try ‘we are exhausting all avenues’ but that may just sound like you’re just driving around Paris)

Wringing Your Hands

This is the ultimate fallback diplomatic move. Not to be confused with Washing Your Hands (see Covid 19) You are showing concern and anxiety about the current situation but, having done so, you can then sit on your hands and put your feet up.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Smug bastard cycles to work

Employees at a firm in London express their outrage as their smug bastard colleague cycles to work for the third time this week.

Fifty-two-year-old Chris Davis favours arriving at the office sinewy, weather-beaten and lycra-clad for the sole purpose of making everyone feel bad about themselves, the employees speculate. Sheeted in sweat, Chris appears at the office entrance doing high-knees to stop his heart rate from falling, before clapping his hands together and yelling "Who’s pumped!" at his sluggish subordinates.

'He walks around with the bravado and flush of someone who’s just got laid,' data analyst John comments. 'He does his lunges in the office kitchen, still out of breath, with the sated, self-satisfied look of a uni student swaggering to the communal fridge in his underwear. I’m almost expecting a woman in a bathrobe to follow behind and urge him to come back to bed.'

'He asks me how my morning has been, but it’s just a ploy so he can talk about his,' Kate explains. ' "What were you doing at 5:30 this morning?" he asks, knowing full well that I was asleep with last night’s makeup forming a flaky crust on my face. He then goes on to tell me how he was up doing his tantric breathing exercises and welcoming the sunrise. He uses a different adjective to describe the sunrise everyday. This morning it was "transcendent."'

Chris’s irritating lifestyle choices have also extended to his eating habits. 'How has this somehow become my problem?' secretary Ella laments, describing how Chris joylessly raises his blood sugar with a banana at 9am, before conspicuously eating nothing until a protein bar at 12. Ella describes being held verbally hostage as he regurgitates an article he read on metabolism last night, urging her to take up Pilates to "become her best self".'

'He's handling the divorce about as well as you would expect.'

Image: Gonzalo Facello (@gonchifacello) | Unsplash Photo Community

Smiffys to Release Existential Halloween Costumes for Those Suffering Quarter-Life Crises

Witches, skeletons, and ghosts may have been the stuff of nightmares when we were children, but for those entering young adulthood, the folk villains of yore seem to have lost their menacing edge.

That’s why this Halloween, Smiffys fancy dress has announced a new line of Halloween costumes aimed to embody the darkest fears of those aged 18-30.

‘Externalising all my abstract fears into a succinct, material expression of festivity is way better than putting on a stripy shirt and saying I’m Where’s Wally again,’ says Ray, aged 20, holding a beaker of vodka cranberry and donned in his new costume, “Intrusive Thoughts About Your Parents Dying”.

‘I was originally going to go as part of a group,’ Lacy tells us. ‘We were also going to go as slutty cats. Then after some introspection I learned that the thing that truly keeps me up at night is that one Margaret Atwood quote about how, under patriarchy, women will always be objectified, no matter what we do or wear. So I decided to go dressed as the “Inescapable Panopticon of the Male Gaze.” – it’s actually not so different to my slutty cat costume.’

Other costumes include: “Accidentally Committing Tax Fraud,” “Losing Your Deposit Because You Used Blu-Tac,” “Diagnosing Yourself With Severe Personality Disorders at 2am,” “Childhood Friend Getting Married,” and “Not Having a Savings Account.”

Photo by Sabina Music Rich on Unsplash