Tottenham in talks with stop-motion character to become next manager

The Chief Executive of Tottenham Hotspur has confirmed the club are in talks with a French stop motion character with a view to becoming their next full time manager.

Majority shareholders ENIC say the as yet unnamed Frenchman, who is currently out of work after leaving his post as a fairground manager is available to take over at Spurs immediately and is considered by the Tottenham board to be the perfect fit to revive the fortunes of the ailing EPL club.

Chief Executive Venus Ventasackem said the new manager has been described as a talking jack-in-a box with magical powers who would appeal to the Spurs fan base who have been crying out for such an appointment since the glory days under Bill Nicholson.

If agreeing to take over at the club it is thought the new manager would want to bring in his own backroom staff, dietician, set piece coach and medical staff.

Rumours that a drop-eared terrier had been seen house hunting with a snail, a cow and a hippy rabbit in north London has triggered rumours about the identity of the mystery manager with some fans speculating on social media that it might be former Spurs favourite David Ginola.

But Ginola denied he had been approached by his old club saying it sounded more like the lunchtime menu at a French truck stop than the back up team of an EPL manager.

Although, considering the last few appointments Tottenham have made Ginola agreed that would be a marked improvement.

image by Grok

Thousands of toddlers march in protest at proposed screen time restrictions

Central London was brought to a standstill yesterday as thousands of toddlers marched to Downing Street in protest at the Government’s proposed restrictions on screen time for children and young people

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said London Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley-Powley.” “Most marches have a sense of direction, but this one was entirely random. They were meant to be going to Downing Street, but they kept getting distracted. One group decided to have a tea party in the middle of Oxford Circus – they had brought plastic cups and saucers with them. It was quite sweet, actually. They saw a homeless man with his dog and invited him to join them. Another group found their way to Hamleys and are believed to be still in the store.

“We also saw a large group of, I guess, two-year-olds who made their way to the Diana Memorial Garden where they played in the water. They loved seeing the horses.”

Police had to use cranes to pick some boys from the top of trees in Hyde Park. When they got them safely on the ground, two boys rushed at officers and reached to touch them screaming ‘COD! Nazi Zombies. You’re it!!’”

Questions remain about how the marchers got into central London in the first place. Police discovered a line of people carriers near Marble Arch, with drivers who could have been parents but claimed to be Uber drivers. They were all on their phones. There was also a fleet of nursery buses. Police discovered one boy proudly showing an officer a homemade pedal extension.

“I found out how to do it on You Tube,” he beamed. “It’s so cool.”

image from Grok

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'Hatzolah? I thought it was Hezbollah!' says Netanyahu

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu apologised today for the destruction of four ambulances in north London.

The ambulances belonged to Hatzolah, a voluntary organisation that provides healthcare services for the local Jewish community. Unfortunately, it’s thought the IDF’s intelligence division confused them with Hezbollah.

Netanyahu has apologised for the mistake, though he also pointed out that by the standards of IDF precision strikes, hitting London instead of Lebanon was relatively accurate.

'Of course we’re shocked and upset,' said a spokesman for north London’s Jewish community. 'Then again, the actions of Israel have always been enormously damaging to diaspora Jews, and it’s never made us reconsider our unthinking support. So I can’t imagine it will now,'

Another spokesman said it was one of the darkest days in recent Jewish history, though it turned out he hadn’t heard about the ambulances, and was talking about Spurs losing 3-0 to Nottingham Forest.

Image credit: Wix AI