Burnham to extend Northern Line to Falkland Islands

To underline the British government's 'unwavering' support for the Falkland Islands, Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced plans to extend the Northern Line to Port Stanley, the Islands' capital.

'Our support for the Islands is unwavering,' he told the House of Commons. 'And we believe an extension of the Northern Line will act as a symbolic umbilical cord for the people of the Islands making them feel more connected even if they are in Zone 8,337.'

The announcement comes as the Argentine president Javier Milei said the islands were 'historically and legally' Argentinian. 'And we have better wildlife. We have penguins. All you have are those poxy pigeons.'

An international platform and terminal called Las Malvinas (literally 'the bad wine') will be added to the existing Northern Line platform at Morden in southwest London. An adjustment will also be made to the announcements at the complicated Camden interchange in north London. It will now say: 'Your next Goose Green via Bank train will depart from platform 'dos'. Your Charing Cross service to Port Stanley will depart from platform 'tres'. Mind the trade gap.'

The journey is expected to take some 12 hours which, coincidentally, is the average waiting time for a High Barnet service.

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Animals at London Zoo complain of body shaming at annual weigh-in.

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Northerners not actually that hard

Generations of received wisdom about regional toughness have been thrown into doubt after water scientists confirmed that people in London and the South East are officially considerably harder than people in Manchester, Liverpool and most of Yorkshire.

The discovery was made after researchers realised that maps showing water hardness could also be used to settle arguments about which parts of Britain are hardest. 'London is absolutely rock hard,' said one hydrologist. 'You only have to look inside a kettle. After six months it looks like it’s been concreted.'

By contrast, Manchester was classified as 'soft', while large parts of Scotland were found to be so soft that researchers have advised residents not to make eye contact with anyone from Kent.

The findings have caused particular embarrassment in Yorkshire, where generations of men have cultivated a reputation for toughness despite apparently washing in something with roughly the mineral content of Evian. 'We’ve always regarded ourselves as hard,' said one Leeds resident. 'But apparently people in Croydon are substantially harder. I’m struggling to process it.'

'That’s what makes people from Kent so formidable,' said a spokesman. 'Every cup of tea is basically a geological event.'

Newcastle has disputed the methodology, arguing that hardness should be measured by willingness to go out in February without a coat rather than milligrams of calcium carbonate per litre.

The government is now considering replacing the traditional North-South divide with a new national classification system ranging from 'Glasgow: incredibly soft' to 'Margate: fucking granite'.

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