Childhood asthma and pensioners with bronchitis “essential for London economy”

After revelations London’s ULEZ rules have dramatically improved its air quality, some of the candidates for the future London mayor election and their supporters in the London Assembly have been looking into the economics of having a Capital with the cleanest air of any similar world city. 

'The economic disadvantages of having this nonsensical clean air policy thrust upon us has been shown time and time again as a Woke Folly” said future mayoral candidate Lucy Torridge- Whimple. 'We have pharmacies going bust on every high street. Window cleaners, petrol stations and black cabs are suffering too. When did you last see a hard working, cheerful white van driver overtake you at 40 mph on the high street whilst lighting a Benson and dropping the empty packet out of the window? It’s a London tradition, just like punk rockers with glued up green hair and commuters in bowler hats.  

'Leaning out of the drivers window of her 3 litre Dodge Mammoth she shouted at a coughing grandmother and child crossing the road in front of her to hurry up and toughen up to the hard facts of city life - or get out and go and live in Oxfordshire. And I bet you don’t need that bloody inhaler anyway.'

Lucy dropped her ten year old son off at the school gates before driving off into the crawling traffic to finish her half hour, two mile journey to Waitrose and her Tuesday Pilates class. 

Thames Water to acquire the Lake District

Thames Water have bought the Lake District to provide cleaner drinking water for London. The deal will involve constructing a huge pipeline to connect Cumbria with the capital.

Questions have been asked about how the indebted group can afford such an acquisition plus the cost of the pipeline. A spokesman for Thames explained 'We also get Sellafield as part of the deal. The nuclear waste clean-up there is expected to take another 100 years and cost the taxpayer around £120 billion. We've got a much better plan: We're really skilled at pumping human waste into the Thames so we're going to combine the nuclear waste with Cumbrian sewage and pump it all into the Irish Sea. We'll get the £120 billion which will pay for the entire scheme with loads left over for big bonuses for our directors and massive dividends for shareholders'.

A government spokesman went on to say 'With the prevailing currents, the sea will take the obnoxious mixture and dump most of it on the Isle of Man. The Manx have a weird three legged symbol which is a nod to their existing genetic mutations. The extra radiation could possibly get them back to two legs, on the other hand it could increase it to four or five.

Environmental groups have raised a number of concerns. A spokesman for the Environment Agency said 'I really don't know what the locals are making such a fuss about, with rising sea levels the sea will soon spill over and fill up all the lakes this scheme will have drained. By that time, most of London will be under water so won't need as much. I see that as a win/win. Plus this Government has already opened No 10 North in Manchester and the BBC pretty much operates from Salford. Do you seriously think that anyone is really bothered about anything further North than that?

The Scottish Conservative Party responded 'We do! We've got the largest lake in the UK by volume and a big old wrinkly monster', the Scottish Nationalist Party angrily retorted with 'That's no way to refer to John Swinney'.

Image: WixAI

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