London | NewsBiscuit

Musk gets his London knowledge from watching Slow Horses

Throngsman
Jul 27

Elon Musk believes London is the most dangerous city in the world based on binge watching all available series of Slow Horses.

'People are shot, blown up or beaten to a pulp in every episode,' he told reporters today. 'It's way more scary than Springfield, for example, although I'm concerned about the skin colour,' he said, explaining it wasn't the yellow skin but the brown skin he was referring to.

'Wait until series five airs,' said an Apple TV spokesman. 'The internet is taken over by hackers using Starlink, electric cars are systematically driven into brick walls and rockets explode on the launch pad. Actually the last bit is already true,' he added.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Sadiq Khan to introduce negative speed limits

eppursimuove
Jul 27

In conjunction with physicists at London University, Mayor Sadiq Khan plans to introduce negative speed limits on London’s roads.

”We’ve done everything we can to screw money out of motorists,” said a spokesman for the diminutive extortionist. “We’ve made speed limits so low you’re almost certain to get fined if you drive anywhere, especially as we’re careful not to signpost the 20mph limits if we can help it.

”However, I know the boss is frustrated by all the people who have cars but don’t use them much. We’ve done everything we can to force them off public transport - no aircon or 24 hour service on the tube, most trains not accessible to wheelchair users, usually no service at the weekends… and don’t even get me started on buses. But there are some people who just won’t take the hint.

”Fortunately, the physicists we’ve consulted advise us there is a such a thing as negative speed, and apparently it doesn’t just mean going backwards. Therefore we feel entirely justified in imposing a negative speed limit all over London, so even parked cars are breaking it,”

The spokesman went on to say this in no way replaces fines for illegal parking, which they’d probably quietly increase while everyone’s attention was elsewhere.

Photo by Nabeel Syed on Unsplash

www.newsbiscuit.com

Southerners set to receive clogs and whippets

dominic_mcg
Jul 23

Southerners have been horrified to discover that Andy Burnham's 'Northernification' of the UK will include them being forced to wear clogs and breed whippets.

Speaking outside Number 10 Downing Street, Ardwick, M17, the latest Prime Minister told reporters, 'Cappuccinos and lattes are to be replaced with builders' tea and 'foreign muck' is to be replaced by pies.'

London's women over-40 have already been earmarked to receive shawls and clay pipes and the NHS is to remove three of their front teeth completely free over the next 12 months.

Pubs south of Watford will be prevented from selling shandy and lager will be phased out, to be replaced by pints of something dark brown and sticky with bits in it.

Image: WixAI

Back to Top