Cardboard box given listed status

A cardboard box in London has been given listed status.  Although used previously only for homeless vagrants, the box has been determined to have reached iconic status.

'The box has been used under the same railway arches for months, housing several generations of vagrants,' read a report issued today.  'However it is seen as a desirable home by many who would otherwise need to commute from Essex, consequently it is intended to give it protected status to save it being disposed off and, in turn, issued with a post code in Camden.  

'With a few sympathetic renovations including a cardboard en-suite shower, a cardboard fitted kitchen and a postage stamp-sized garden the box is expected to sell for around half a million pounds,' it suggested.

The last known occupant is pragmatic.  'I was offered half a pack of roll-your-own tobacco and still believe I got the better deal.  OK, it might sell for half a million, but Camden?  Really?'

photo: Newsbiscuit archive

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Burnham to extend Northern Line to Falkland Islands

To underline the British government's 'unwavering' support for the Falkland Islands, Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced plans to extend the Northern Line to Port Stanley, the Islands' capital.

'Our support for the Islands is unwavering,' he told the House of Commons. 'And we believe an extension of the Northern Line will act as a symbolic umbilical cord for the people of the Islands making them feel more connected even if they are in Zone 8,337.'

The announcement comes as the Argentine president Javier Milei said the islands were 'historically and legally' Argentinian. 'And we have better wildlife. We have penguins. All you have are those poxy pigeons.'

An international platform and terminal called Las Malvinas (literally 'the bad wine') will be added to the existing Northern Line platform at Morden in southwest London. An adjustment will also be made to the announcements at the complicated Camden interchange in north London. It will now say: 'Your next Goose Green via Bank train will depart from platform 'dos'. Your Charing Cross service to Port Stanley will depart from platform 'tres'. Mind the trade gap.'

The journey is expected to take some 12 hours which, coincidentally, is the average waiting time for a High Barnet service.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

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Animals at London Zoo complain of body shaming at annual weigh-in.

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